r/Parenting • u/Ok-Opportunity-4160 • Jun 04 '21
Any advice to get a 4 year old & 6 year old to sleep in their own beds? Advice
I have a 4 year old daughter & 6 year old son. I made the mistake of letting them sleep in my bed when they were about 1 and 2 and now I can’t get them out. I’m a single mom so it’s just me but I’m running out of room in my bed. The problem is if I move to the couch, in the middle of the night either one or both of them come running to the couch to sleep with me. My son has mild autism and (I think) very bad anxiety. I know if I try to get him to sleep in his own bed he’s going to cry super hard and I’m going to feel horrible. I really am looking for advice to get them to sleep in their own beds. I’m stressed out :(
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u/MrsLeeCorso Jun 04 '21
Can they share a bed? That way they have a snuggle buddy but it’s not you? And ask at your library for some books on this subject, there are a bunch and they are good ways to normalize the feelings that go along with a transition like this.
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u/snackelmypackel Jun 04 '21
I did something similar where I always wanted to sleep in my parents bed. What they did was each week I stayed and only slept in my bed they got me a toy a wanted around $5-15 it worked almost perfectly positive reinforcement works really well on children. If the toy thing is off the table for money reasons you can do positive reinforcement in other ways like let them pick dinner once a week if they sleep in their own beds for 3 days straight or something. Positive reinforcement works wonders.
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u/25_timesthefine Aug 12 '21
The thing with buying toys as positive reinforcement, esp at that frequency is that you have to keep doing because if you stop, their behavior could stop too. I would say maybe put money in a jar at the end of the week if they sleep in their room, and at the end of the month they can do or get what they want with the money. I’m sure this plan isn’t foolproof either though.
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u/snackelmypackel Aug 13 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
Sorry should have added after a while of sleeping on my own they made it a toy every 2 weeks then a toy every 3 weeks or something along those lines. It wasnt a quick cut off of toy every week to nothing. I don’t remember the specifics unfortunately since it was when i was a young child.
Edit:Money is also pretty abstract to a child. Also what you described is still positive reinforcement so yeah it should still work. The thing you use to reinforce a behavior should change based on a parents financial position and the kids interests/age.
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u/DrVerryBerry Jun 04 '21
You didn’t make a mistake when they were little. Some children (and parents) just need to co-sleep for a while.
If you want to now transition them sleeping alone, without crying it out (don’t do crying it out, it’s cruel and unnecessary), you could do it gradually and use lots positive reinforcement (eg star charts etc). This may be really important for your neurodiverse child, who could struggle with the change.
So for example - start by talking about them sleeping alone. Make it sound like loadsa fun and a game and not that big a deal.
Then Talk about them getting rewards for it - get them to pick am their own reward (within reason eg small toy for 7 stars). Make the chart with them. Use lots of visuals and pictures.
Then make their room/rooms and beds really cosy and fun. Do this together. Let them play in their rooms beds.
Then have a practice day time “nap” for a few days to get them used to their own bed.
Then For the first few nights, you may need to sleep on the floor beside them(are they in a room together or separate?)
Then you gradually teach them to fall asleep alone eg sit on floor beside them until they’re asleep, then sit further away each night or spend less time in the room etc
If they wake in the night, try settle them back to sleep for the first while.
If they come into your room in the night - it’s your call what to do. you should probably not let them into your bed as it could be confusing for them. So maybe just calmly walk them back into bed. They could sleep on the floor beside your bed if they really have to.
If your son is really really anxious, he may need particular management strategies or sensory supports. Maybe talk to his school/care providers. Hard to advice on particulars without knowing details.
Good luck Mama! You’re doing a great job. Hope you get some sleep soon (I’ve been there. It does get better!!)
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u/ElizabethHiems Jun 04 '21
Indeed, I didn’t have this issue with co-sleeping.
My youngest has Autism. He doesn’t sleep a lot but he likes a real nest of multiple blankets and pillows to sleep. I can’t tell you the name of what you call it in the US but it’s that really soft blanket material like a fluffy velvet.
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u/Ok-Opportunity-4160 Jun 05 '21
My son LOVES super soft blankets. Literally is obsessed with them lol
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u/ElizabethHiems Jun 05 '21
I think we probably have about 15 of them all together and sometimes he drags them all round the house to make a den. He is wrapped in a purple one right now. He strips off and wraps himself in them.
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u/Ok-Opportunity-4160 Jun 05 '21
Yup! My son does the same thing, takes his clothes off & finds a blanket no matter how big it is and drags it all over the house. Lol it’s cute when he’s like “it’s super soft it feels nice” and shows me.
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u/marisajane1 Jun 04 '21
Maybe make it more “comforting” in their rooms? Soft music or white noise, a cool night light, stuffed animals, etc?
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u/Rangeela-re Jun 04 '21
Can't they share a bed?
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u/Ok-Opportunity-4160 Jun 05 '21
I was thinking I should have them share a bed to help get them out of mine & go from there. They’re still little enough to share so I’ll try
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u/Shrimpy_McWaddles Jun 04 '21
Let them pick their own blankets, maybe a new stuffed animal, but has to stay in their room. Maybe some cool night lights, bed tent or other accessories etc.