31m with a dark sense of humor. I lost my eyesight at 11, my bands singer at 18, my Dad at 23, got divorced at 29. I'm a blind guitarist with an addictive personality, fitness freak, avid sports gambler. Recently got engaged and I have no idea what she looks like. Lets have some fun! Roast me.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher]

[u/highfatoffaltube]

Are you sure your dad and the singer aren't just being really quiet while you're around?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/highfatoffaltube]

I've never thought about that, you may be on to something.

[u/JAMZ800 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

how do you read reddit if you're blind

[u/wiz-ski → u/JAMZ800]

Somebody Reddit to him

[u/28Hz → u/wiz-ski]

Fuc-king-nice.

[u/sciencewonders → u/28Hz]

we tu lo

[u/Guthwine_R → u/sciencewonders]

Sum Ting Wong

[u/benmalakian2 → u/Guthwine_R]

Ho lee fuk

[u/decclam → u/benmalakian2]

Bang Ding Ow

[u/jage570 → u/JAMZ800]

How'd he take this picture? Because and i could be wrong, but it looks like a selfie.

[u/anameididntchoose → u/jage570]

Maybe we are the ones being roasted 🤣🤣

[u/Dracofear → u/JAMZ800]

Iphones have a accessibility setting that reads stuff allowed, idk about android. Windows does to I think (it's a big maybe on that) and I would assume mac has something as well since iphones have it then for typing some speech to text would be useful, but I bet braille keyboards exist.

[u/20mins2theRockies → u/Dracofear]

that reads stuff allowed

r/boneappletea?

[u/DeSpTG → u/Dracofear]

Yes and for those who wonder, you can set the reading speed to very high and the volume to very low, so actually nobody understands something except people with exceptional hearing abilities such as blind people.

[u/Svinkta → u/DeSpTG]

Wow I was wondering and that is really cool!

[u/Georgeisthecoolest → u/DeSpTG]

so does that mean OP needs to listen to every comment in this thread? How does that work with typos and abbreviations etc etc?

[u/Immediate-Duck-512 → u/Georgeisthecoolest]

I lived with my friend who’s blind for awhile, it reads all the punctuation and even emojis off to them at this absolutely insane speed. Somehow she was able to use a phone just about as well as a seeing person, unless the source wasn’t “accessible”, meaning it didn’t work with the screen reader software. That and describing pictures was all she ever needed help with.

[u/BillMurrayismyFather → u/Immediate-Duck-512]

That’s wild and wholesome af.

[u/LonelyLibertarianDud → u/BillMurrayismyFather]

that is why there is this subreddit about helping describe images

[u/MessyBarrel → u/Georgeisthecoolest]

I'm not blind but I have my phone read /prorevenge and /tifu etc.. for me and generally it sounds typos out close enough but then you get things like 18m and you know they mean 18 male but my phone reads it as 18 meters.

Edit: Changed wrong measurement.

[u/howe_to_win → u/DeSpTG]

This is one of the best tidbit facts I’ve learned. As an avid collector of tidbits thank you

[u/Loocsiyaj → u/Dracofear]

SOifWEtalkLIKEthisTHEYwon'tHAVEanyIDEAwhatWEareSAYING?

Actually, i guess nobody will understand

[u/readysetdylan → u/Dracofear]

So this is basically like reading Mean Tweets about yourself

[u/Sandbag-kun → u/Dracofear]

It's "out loud", not allowed. Loud, like sound, because you can hear it

[u/burchy_ → u/Sandbag-kun]

aloud is also acceptable

[u/Sandbag-kun → u/burchy_]

Aloud is allowed, out loud is allowed... but allowed is not allowed

[u/robbarratheon → u/Sandbag-kun]

Allowed is also not aloud.

[u/KA1378 → u/Dracofear]

Androids have it as well

[u/Hmonster1 → u/Dracofear]

Now I can waste time and be more lazy in the process? Can someone set my phone to do this for me?

[u/DribsFlantoosey → u/JAMZ800]

I make websites accessible for a living. There are government requirements for it in the US and EU (with specific parameters on who has to follow the law). The regulations not only cover disabilities like loss of sight, but also cognitive issues. Meaning, content should be clear, and readable to assistive technologies, like screen readers.

The other commenter talking about iPhones is correct. Every popular OS (phone or computer) contains accessibility features, and has for a very long time. There is also dedicated software and hardware that many people use.

The coding language that's used to display websites and apps can also translate what's being displayed to speech. It's pretty simple, and the majority of my job is getting people to adhere to long-existing code and design standards, because accessibility is already well integrated into most common code bases.

[u/theecommunist → u/JAMZ800]

WHAT?

[u/TheDownvotesFarmer → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Like in this representation? https://youtu.be/H_moQstENxc

[u/Netherrabbit → u/highfatoffaltube]

OP:”Mom, I’m coming over for dinner. I got Dad a cannibal corpse album to listen to after too!”

Dad to Mom: “fuck that, tell him I’m dead. I’ll eat in the basement tonight”

Mom to OP: “oh honey…. About your father”

[u/Alphasmikefoxtrot → u/highfatoffaltube]

Oh shit. Masturbation really does cause blindness.

[u/bbaterey → u/highfatoffaltube]

That's why his wife left him. She was having a fingercuff relationship with the dad and the singer.

[u/Hellalive89]

Bro you lost a lot of people……..where have you looked?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Hellalive89]

everywhere!

[u/orifan1 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

how?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/orifan1]

good point.

[u/OphiliaPoe → u/orifan1]

Feeling the air mostly and the backs of people's heads

[u/Icy_Barber4392 → u/orifan1]

Oh shit !!

[u/notavegan25 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Look on the bright side

[u/Fkn_Link]

⠠⠽⠕⠥ ⠇⠕⠕⠅ ⠇⠊⠅⠑ ⠁ ⠺⠕⠍⠁⠝⠲

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Fkn_Link]

a pretty one?

[u/Hellish_Elf → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

What did they say? My eyes “work” and I can’t see what they said.

[u/TheAlienOnFIRE → u/Hellish_Elf]

“You look like a woman.”

[u/westinghousesghost → u/TheAlienOnFIRE]

Dude looks like a lady! Dude looks like a lady!

[u/WhyIHateTheInternet → u/Fkn_Link]

Why the fuck is typing braille even a thing???

[u/imtrevor95 → u/WhyIHateTheInternet]

So blind people can read dumbass.

[u/ronald0449 → u/imtrevor95]

Hahahahah, this reply is qmazing 😆

[u/WhyIHateTheInternet → u/imtrevor95]

But....no... that's not... No.

[u/Phwoar_Mate]

Of course you have a dark sense of humor, everything is dark to you

[u/PatrickSeestars → u/Phwoar_Mate]

If he knew what he looked like he’d kick his own ass

[u/Girth_rulez → u/PatrickSeestars]

If he knew what he looked like he’d kick his own ass

Yeah, did he "watch" Bruno and ask to look like that dude?

[u/Environmental_Fail86 → u/PatrickSeestars]

“You know you look kinda like Axl Rose.. wait.. just never mind.”

[u/AYWA159 → u/Phwoar_Mate]

Damn he didn't see that one coming

[u/Contrarian_Eh → u/Phwoar_Mate]

I see what you did there. But he didn't

[u/halfasleepallthetime → u/Phwoar_Mate]

Savage

[u/Helian85 → u/halfasleepallthetime]

It’s ok. He won’t see this.

[u/deGenZ01]

I assume the picture you posted here is of your fiancé. She does not look good…

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/deGenZ01]

I gave up on haircuts when the pandemic started.

[u/mvathletics → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

About what age did you give up on life?

[u/_Tomyx_ → u/mvathletics]

Rather at what age did life give up on him

[u/drewskibfd → u/_Tomyx_]

Around 11.

[u/ZombiesDelight → u/drewskibfd]

Got Damn

[u/BritishFoSho → u/drewskibfd]

💀💀

[u/WarHorse4563 → u/mvathletics]

Seems like he’s already going down that path

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/WarHorse4563]

several times but I always find a way to keep going.

[u/CoronaKlledMe → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Jokes apart. Keep going bro, all the best for future.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/CoronaKlledMe]

thanks, I appreciate it

[u/-SNOT_bubble- → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Sounds like you have an interesting life. Glad to have you with us degenerates.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/-SNOT_bubble-]

Wouldn't have it any other way.

[u/BallAtAFuneral → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Hey wait a minute. How the fuck are you reading these??!!

[u/kiddion → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

I enjoy reading your replies, you're clearly winning this roast ;)

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/kiddion]

haha thanks, in a roast there are no winners or losers, just good times. But I will say, this was a definite learning experience of how thick my skin is.

[u/Lord-Doobury → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Just as an aside, you look way better than most of the Emo fleabags who come here for extra abuse. Stay strong Dude.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Lord-Doobury]

That is quite descriptive. I'm just doing me. And Thank you

[u/Lord-Doobury → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

You are most welcome, you sightless fuckstick!

[u/TenragZeal → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Sounds like a few gave up on life when they met you too.

[u/alerionfire → u/deGenZ01]

Going from one seeing eye dog to another

[u/Significant-Age-8663 → u/deGenZ01]

Blind Melon Chitlin Petty and the Heartbreakers.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher]

I love a good blind joke, especially because I can't see them.

[u/Captainschitqunt → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Cant see who you're replying to either.

[u/Stubrochill17 → u/Captainschitqunt]

It would have been hilarious if OP had someone helping him, but replying to the wrong comments.

[u/MagicPikeXXL → u/Captainschitqunt]

[u/WhywouldIwanthat → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Can’t see them coming, right?

[u/exinferris → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

You can't see the point, surely...

[u/TerminallyChill1994]

This whole post is absolutely fucked and I love it

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/TerminallyChill1994]

It is. Me too!

[u/TerminallyChill1994 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Best username checks out I’ve come across

[u/readit9090]

You should start a band with Stevie and call it “Wonder who my band mates are”

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/readit9090]

but I would wonder who he was too.

[u/readit9090 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

It’s all you fuckers wondering about each other

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/readit9090]

We would wonder so much we would never start playing

[u/readit9090 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

It’s probably for the best

[u/YGuyLevi]

I always heard you will go blind If you masturbate to much ... never seen someone actually do it

[u/homieiseeyoutoo → u/YGuyLevi]

I bet he hasn't seen it too

[u/Girth_rulez → u/YGuyLevi]

I always heard you will go blind If you masturbate to much ...

I have tried. This is...not true.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/Girth_rulez]

Hey it’s me, Much 😏

[u/T1to30]

Looking at your picture, I envy your eyesight.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/T1to30]

lol that's brutal. I love it

[u/kunaguerooo123 → u/T1to30]

Damn

[u/snow3dmodels]

Hey since you are blind

https://record.reverb.chat/s/k34eyrUf75fS2lMWgcwr

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/snow3dmodels]

you sound sincere.

[u/snow3dmodels → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

It was, is, and always will be

[u/Cardinal-Lad → u/snow3dmodels]

how thoughtful of you to put it in audio form

[u/snow3dmodels → u/Cardinal-Lad]

I’m all Inclusive

[u/Resident-Ad6981 → u/snow3dmodels]

Now you cracked me up twice 😂

EDIT: Deleted the cracking up emoji because Reddit

EDIT2: Standing my ground as encouraged by u/starrpamph :)

[u/starrpamph → u/Resident-Ad6981]

Post your cracking up emoji and stand your ground, I'll start with the first upvote

[u/jesstbhh → u/snow3dmodels]

this one took me out

[u/Tsukune_Surprise]

I hope I get to see your band play just as many times as you have.

[u/Deraj_of_the_Arcane]

I can't stop laughing at "Recently got engaged and I have no idea what she looks like" 😂😂😂😂

[u/RiflemanLax → u/Deraj_of_the_Arcane]

Friend of a friend went with us to a music festival. Dudes blind, but a musical savant.

We were all sitting around talking and he mentioned his gf and someone asked if she was hot, dudes like ‘I have no idea.’

Had to help him find his mom inside the festival. I asked him what she looked like and caught myself at the end of the question and said ‘man, that’s probably a dumbass thing to ask.’ Guy says no sweat, gives me her description and we go looking for her.

I found her like a half an hour later. She looked absolutely nothing like he described😂. He was like 🤷‍♂️ I gave him a description for future reference.

[u/HaveaTomCollins → u/RiflemanLax]

Did you find out if the girlfriend is hot?

[u/RiflemanLax → u/HaveaTomCollins]

I saw her some time later, but didn’t interact. And from what I saw and what told after the fact, she’s a junkie and using him for his benefits.

Shame. Nice guy. Though to be fair, I’m not sure he gives a shit.

[u/HaveaTomCollins → u/RiflemanLax]

Any port in a storm I suppose.

[u/Environmental_Fail86 → u/HaveaTomCollins]

Have never heard that expression. Sad, in this instance.

[u/HaveaTomCollins → u/Environmental_Fail86]

I get ya. You might need to live near the water to hear it.

[u/koushakandystore → u/RiflemanLax]

My motto with hot chicks is: I don’t care if they’re using me as long as I’m having a good time.

[u/insensitiveTwot → u/koushakandystore]

how you doin 😏😏

[u/elemental5252 → u/insensitiveTwot]

Username checks out 🤣

[u/koushakandystore → u/insensitiveTwot]

Doing well, but that might just be the antidepressants

[u/insensitiveTwot → u/koushakandystore]

Drug induced happiness still counts

[u/koushakandystore → u/insensitiveTwot]

Hahaha… well then I should be an expert by now. Yet….

[u/disaster_moose]

"Blind" "dark humor". Son.of.a.bitch

[u/RedditRickS92]

Stevie Blunder

[u/KillaNoFilla87]

Do you have one of those TTS operators reading the roasts right now? How many times has the person had to stop to gather themselves?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/KillaNoFilla87]

I'm on the fifth person. They keep quitting.

[u/Accomplished_Bonus74 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Seems like a theme

[u/Alpha_Decay_ → u/Accomplished_Bonus74]

Dude, no!

[u/spsanderson]

Must have been one hell of a blind date

[u/TheDownvotesFarmer → u/spsanderson]

Jesus!

[u/28Hz → u/TheDownvotesFarmer]

He didn't help or care.

[u/alerionfire]

I can only immagine the level of douche you accomplish walking into the gym, then the wall, then the womens locker room.

[u/FloridaSon813]

How the fuck will you read this?…..or I guess it could be one of those robot voice things. Well I would like to say fuck you in robot voice

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/FloridaSon813]

Thank you

[u/ImNotHaunted → u/FloridaSon813]

Alexa. Play Rick Astley.

[u/turtle_power00 → u/ImNotHaunted]

Alexa. How do you say coffee bean 100 in Welsh

[u/sketchyduck → u/ImNotHaunted]

Omg that's fucking hilarious.

[u/Mlang888]

I don’t see this ending well for you.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Mlang888]

I've felt that way for a while.

[u/Tydawg39795 → u/Mlang888]

He doesn't see at all

[u/spoilednutmilk]

seems like shes also blind

[u/Nearby_Art7444]

I have always suspected every fan of the Magic had to be disabled in some way shape or form.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Nearby_Art7444]

wait, this is a Magic jersey? When you're right, you're right.

[u/octopusconsumer → u/Nearby_Art7444]

At least he doesn't have to see them attempt to play basketball.

[u/JustIncredible240 → u/Nearby_Art7444]

Orlando Tragic

[u/blindpeoplewatcher]

For everyone who has been asking to see a picture of my fiance. Here you go. She wanted in on the fun too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/up57ka/i_blind_31m_was_roasted_today_and_i_wanted_to/

[u/9fingerman → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Bro, you are definitely marrying up. Although you have longer hair. Y'all live in Florida, right?

[u/alerionfire]

You look like you call peoples kids braille so you can touch them.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/alerionfire]

Is it really that bad?

[u/Fa3aan → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

"You look"

See that's where he fucked up.

[u/CanadianBacon9002]

It's like if Triple H and Bono had a drug addicted love child

[u/FreshPow86 → u/[deleted]]

More like Iggy Pop fucked Danny Carey from Tool

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/CanadianBacon9002]

That is hilarious, and a beautiful post.

[u/CanadianBacon9002 → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

⠽⠕⠥⠗⠑ ⠺⠑⠇⠉⠕⠍⠑

[u/abletofable → u/CanadianBacon9002]

Oh, that's just mean. AWESOME!

[u/TheLongestMeter]

No one can roast you harder than you staring at the sun as an eleven year old.

[u/OneFingerIn]

You look like the lead singer from a Christian metal band. Your fiancee is likely a 3/10 and easily the more attractive of you two.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/OneFingerIn]

lol thanks, she definitely is the more attractive one.

[u/Captainschitqunt → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Did she tell you that?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Captainschitqunt]

yes

[u/Captainschitqunt → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Touché

[u/alerionfire]

Fabi-no

[u/JoeyDiazcocksuckas]

Looks like Anthony Kiedis if he didn’t start making music

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/JoeyDiazcocksuckas]

I love the chili peppers

[u/JoeyDiazcocksuckas → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

Hell yeah

[u/atomicxblue → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

If we're making musical comments, I would have gone for the much more obvious Blind Melon.

[u/bpwoods97 → u/JoeyDiazcocksuckas]

Was thinking great value kiedis myself.

[u/NomenVanitas]

To whoever is reading these out for him: leave now, this guy brings bad luck

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/NomenVanitas]

It's too late for that. That's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

[u/midlifebmx]

It should be blindingly obvious, no one will roast a dude with a disability. Why can’t you see that?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/midlifebmx]

The way I see it, I should be treated like everyone else.

[u/MotherfuckerTinyRick]

Post a picture of her I'll let you know

[u/JuGGieG84 → u/MotherfuckerTinyRick]

That is her

[u/shotgunraf]

For 31 years, you’ve had a lot happen in your life. I mean, you just never saw it coming.

[u/readit9090]

John Cena doesn’t even have to wave his hand in front of his face for you

[u/TransitionOld833]

Your sign is upside down

[u/Lord-Doobury]

I sure you're good at reading with Braille. Has your asshole ever accidentally said Hi to you while you were wiping?

[u/AmericanHedonist]

Such a loser, everyone who looked at you left. Even your eyesight after you looked in the mirror.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/AmericanHedonist]

I'm dying, that is funny.

[u/OldGlenoraNora]

I can write something funny or: alxjeisjajxjwjsajdkelxlxjxkake, and it wouldn’t matter. This dude ain’t reading this. 😂

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/OldGlenoraNora]

jfidja'[email protected]*($U%*(@$&

[u/SuperNovaNM]

The real question is: did she know what YOU looked like when she said yes?

[u/SuddMuffin]

Tom Petty and the Sight Takers

[u/Storm2929]

Look at this photograph Every time I do, it makes me laugh

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Storm2929]

and how did my eyes get so red

[u/Spandau]

You might not know what your fiance looks like, but you do know she has a bigger dick that you do.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/Spandau]

we are compatible.

[u/OG_DDNCK]

How you gonna read these comments?

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/OG_DDNCK]

I'll have someone read me the good ones. I use voiceover on my iphone usually but the reddit app is a little hard to use.

[u/laundmo → u/blindpeoplewatcher]

i recommend the alternative Apollo app, official app sucks.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/laundmo]

Thanks! I'll check it out

[u/bill302]

..-. .-...- .- ..- - - .. - ... -.- ..-- yo mama

(Tbh I'll be fucked if I know if that's ment to be braille or morse code, but it was funny in my head 😂)

[u/chuckiz2much_]

So much tragedy in your life and you just never saw it coming eh?

[u/Rohirrim777]

well of course your humor is dark; you can't see anything.

[u/stocksnhoops]

Just wait till someone explains to you what is on your sign you are holding. But let’s move past that embarrassing part and jump to how you are reading the responses.

[u/blindpeoplewatcher → u/stocksnhoops]

A friend is reading them and helping reply. I use voiceover on my iphone but the reddit app is tough with that. I get notifications and hear a lot of them.

[u/BeefEater81]

You misspelled "RoastMe" on your sign.