r/cursedcomments Jan 26 '22 Silver 9 Helpful 5 Wholesome 3

cursed_newzealand Reddit

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337

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

Apparently the first method of contraceptive was found in Ancient Egypt.

Women would combine honey, herbs, and (iirc) donkey’s milk and put it up their vagina, and supposedly that would work as a contraceptive.

They also had very early pregnancy tests in the form of:

  1. Watermelon milkshake– crush watermelon and combine with the breastmilk of a woman who has born a son. The woman they believe to be pregnant must drink it; if she throws up, she is pregnant, if she doesn’t, she is not, and if she has flatulence then she will never become pregnant again.

  2. Plant barley and wheat seeds. The woman they believe to be pregnant must water both seeds with her urine. If both grows, she is pregnant, if only the wheat grows then it is a boy, and if only the barley grows it is a girl. If neither grow she is not pregnant (apparently, this one was tested to a 70% success rate)

107

u/Mandrake1771 Jan 26 '22

I thought I read somewhere that they’d use crocodile dung.

107

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

I mean, if you smell of shit it would be a pretty effective contraceptive

31

u/FutureCrusaderX Jan 26 '22

Especially shit filled with fish and zebra remains

48

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22 Helpful

Imagine going down on a girl and your dick gets stabbed by a fish bone

23

u/Mandrake1771 Jan 26 '22

No, I don’t think I will.

15

u/Prepare_Bleach_Again Jan 26 '22

You sir, have been given a life sentence for crimes against humanity.

10

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

I might find a loophole,

I’m a madam, not a sir! Hehe! The justice system, foiled again by South-Marionberry!

7

u/natetgm56837 Jan 26 '22

Then it’s time for the injustice system as the backup plan

10

u/Zodiarche1111 Jan 26 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

Imagine going down on a girl that uses crocodile dung as a lubricant

9

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

You know she’s been around the temples when you’re going down on her and there’s a whole ass Zebra skull in there

6

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

You know she’s been around the ḥwt-nṯr* when you’re going down on her and there’s a whole ass Zebra skull in there

*apparently the anglicised version of the word for “mansion of a god” or “temple” in Ancient Egypt!

3

u/sexy_adolf69 Jan 27 '22

Don't threaten me with good time

5

u/AnEmuWithWifi Jan 26 '22

The ancient Egyptians would use crocodile dung mixed in with honey to prevent pregnancies. Sleep well knowing that the number of people who have put crocodile feces on their junk is not zero.

38

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

30

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

oh no! I’ve been found out

8

u/FunkyCredo Jan 26 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

~Jeez~ Jizz, how old are you?

FTFY

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8

u/RamenOrNoodles Jan 26 '22

Ancient egypt is my favorite part of history to learn about

7

u/polycarbonateduser Jan 26 '22

TiL and enough internet for today for me

5

u/That-Brain-in-a-vat Jan 26 '22

Up to the '60s, that is not many decades ago, the used test in labs was the "rabbit test". Urine from the woman was injected into a female rabbit. If the urine contained a hormon typical of pregnancy, within a few days the rabbit would have showed changed in her ovaries. Of course you had to kill the rabbit to check that out, but hey, the rabbit was safe to eat.

6

u/South-Marionberry Jan 26 '22

Yeah! I remember hearing of this too!

Apparently “the rabbit died” became a slang term for “pregnancy” around that time, right?

3

u/GopaiPointer Jan 26 '22

For the first one, I guess the mixture was of right viscosity to delay the sperms long enough for them to die.

3

u/iprobablyneedcoffeee Jan 26 '22

I kinda want to try the second test whenever I get pregnant. Sounds kinda neat.

3

u/GloomAndCookies Jan 26 '22

The second one I remember reading about, and it had to do with the Human Growth Hormone, that is now used in modern pregnancy tests. The Ancient Egyptians were on to something, apparently.

788

u/N0T-A-Lamp Jan 26 '22 Helpful

Huh didn’t know us Welsh had so much in common with the people of New Zealand. We’re all sheep shaggers deep down

253

u/0w0dontknow Jan 26 '22

kiwis only fuck the ones we export

86

u/Tomatetoes97 Jan 26 '22

Are you willing to testify as a witness?

94

u/0w0dontknow Jan 26 '22

to what, having NZ cum be one of the ingredients in your lamb chops?

46

u/ohtrueyeahnah Jan 26 '22

Gives it that umami flavour

29

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '22

Cumin

21

u/fuck_the_fuckin_mods Jan 26 '22

It’s like expensive beef where they massage the cows and give them beer. It’s the logical next step in flavor development.

7

u/MelodicOrder2704 Jan 26 '22

Has my wagyu had sex and cigarette before it was slaughtered?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/0w0dontknow Jan 26 '22

im sorry, i love you

3

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '22

As a kiwi, I fuck both.

8

u/Traditional_Goose740 Jan 26 '22

We marinate what we export. Gives them that added flavour

8

u/Justinformation Jan 26 '22

Now I've got to pay attention to where the meat I buy is sourced from, NZ doesn't need to get brined any more.

4

u/Snubpigg Jan 26 '22

Safe sex = painting an X on the ones that kick.

22

u/KapaPuku Jan 26 '22

Sardinia is famous too for it's sheep fuckers. Apparently everywhere there's an island full of sheep there are people fucking them

16

u/Skunk-Fucker Jan 26 '22

Well it’s pretty easy when on an island to have more sheep than women.

6

u/tastysharts Jan 26 '22

did they try the camels tho, real thoughts

22

u/schelmo Jan 26 '22

How does a Welshman find his sheep in tall grass? Irresistible.

6

u/zeshtorm Jan 26 '22

How do Welsh find sheep in the tall grass?

Quite satisfying, thanks for asking.

12

u/SheepShagnStepSister Jan 26 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

Proud sheep shagger here, AMA. Checks username

5

u/ge123qazw Jan 26 '22

Deep is definitely right for the ones up in the valleys

3

u/antranthanh Jan 26 '22

how deep ?

1

u/Zodiarche1111 Jan 26 '22

Why came Belle from Arcanum to my mind with all these sheep comments.

238

u/Puzzled-Intern-7897 Jan 26 '22 Silver

Spot the australian. Same joke is being told by the english over the welsh, by the english over the scots, by the scots over the english, by the irish over the english, by the greeks over the turks, by the turks over the greeks. Greeks and Turks obviously use donkey intestines instead though.

79

u/l_osservatore Jan 26 '22

And by Italians over Sardinians

54

u/morgecroc Jan 26 '22

I don't think I want to know what Italians do to sardines.

29

u/l_osservatore Jan 26 '22

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

39

u/Sproose_Moose Jan 26 '22

15

u/comrade_batman Jan 26 '22

You Scots sure are a contentious people.

6

u/seriouslees Jan 26 '22

You've made an enemy for life!

22

u/3163560 Jan 26 '22

In half Aussie half kiwi but live in Aus. Have had this joke told to me since the mid 90s.

Also once, I was at a mates sheep farm when I was a teenager a bunch of us walked over to a fence alongside a paddock to take a piss. Three of my all Aussie mates walked over sheep didn't give a crap, as soon as I walked over and unzipped my fly the sheep bolted to the other side of the paddock. 22 years later and I still hear about it.

7

u/FutureCrusaderX Jan 26 '22

Sheep had PTSD lmao

22

u/chickenstalker Jan 26 '22

At least the Kiwis didn't surrender to Emus.

31

u/unlikelyandroid Jan 26 '22

Easy for you to say when your national bird fluffball myopically perforates dirt. You don't need rifles to wage war on them, just the rough side of velcro.

4

u/Apteryx12014 Jan 26 '22

I’d like to introduce you to the moa.

6

u/JusticeRain5 Jan 26 '22

Somehow i'm not particularly worried about an extinct species that wasn't even hunted to extinction.

4

u/Apteryx12014 Jan 26 '22

But… it was hunted to extinction… Aussies can’t even win a war against emu.

3

u/JusticeRain5 Jan 26 '22

Nah, apparently it was more habitat reduction, AKA clearance of forests. Wimpy-ass birds couldn't even survive without their trees around, unlike the chad emu.

8

u/Apteryx12014 Jan 26 '22

That’s just wrong. All evidence points to overhunting as the main driver of extinction.

2

u/JusticeRain5 Jan 26 '22

Apparently both https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/08/120803114412.htm

Meaning the emu is stronger in both battle and general survival. It will eat bullets and spit them back at you, while a Moa will fall over dead if it's slightly scraped by a spear if it's not near trees.

This is 100% fact and definitely not something I made up.

1

u/LargePizz Jan 26 '22

Possums have caused you enough problems, no need to send the big guns.

40

u/DamonHay Jan 26 '22

That’s how you can tell it’s an Aussie, if they do something funny, smart or insightful, they probably stole it from someone else and are trying to claim credit.

43

u/Hot_Wash Jan 26 '22

Found the new Zealander

27

u/Puzzled-Intern-7897 Jan 26 '22

Like Pavlova for example

10

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '22 Wholesome

eye twitches ... You really wanna start something here? Right now? Come on and say it outright. You want to say something about pav do ya? Say it. Go on. I dare ya.

8

u/Puzzled-Intern-7897 Jan 26 '22

Do you wanna talk about how the Wallabies are not as good as the All Blacks instead?

I'm not even a kiwi, yet I know these realities of life.

9

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '22

... nah yeah. Fairo. I don't know shit about rugby but we took their musicians and actors. Possibly a comedian or two. But not Pav.

8

u/goodproblems Jan 26 '22

Pharlap too.

1

u/soulserval Jan 26 '22

No one in Australia cares about rugby union. We play Rugby league and Aussie Rules. In fact I think soccer and basketball are more popular than rugby Union. So naturally New Zealand would be better if it's the only sport they care about.

1

u/Anaglyphite Jan 26 '22

or the flat white, apparently. there's still contention over which Aussie or Kiwi invented the drink, which it makes sense why considering the stereotype of both groups being absolute coffee snobs

2

u/Puzzled-Intern-7897 Jan 26 '22

Have you ever talked with an italian? No one is more snob than them

1

u/kingofthewombat Jan 26 '22

You say this blasphemy on Australia day?

3

u/red_dragin Jan 26 '22

You can have Russell Crow back, but we're still claiming Crowded House.

1

u/VTLED13_TheMonkey Jan 26 '22

A battle of words from people a speed boat away. Hilarious. Just remember, the English can go piss in the wind.

3

u/VTLED13_TheMonkey Jan 26 '22

I noticed you left the Irish out. When your drunk enough, everything is a woman. And the English made it possible for an Irishman to have enough problems to drawn the whole island in guinness.

2

u/bul1dog Jan 26 '22

Plot twist: everyone's projecting and sheep are getting human D all around the globe

1

u/tastysharts Jan 26 '22

huh so it's actually camels

1

u/b1ack1323 Jan 26 '22

It’s funny because every person I talk to that wants to live abroad, they say NZ not Australia.

1

u/Puzzled-Intern-7897 Jan 26 '22

Obviously, I dont wanna die because [insert random australian Flora and Fauna]

1

u/refused_entry Jan 26 '22

sooooo everyone's fucking catle?

1

u/PrestigiousTry815 Jan 26 '22

Pretty sure them Iowegians over in r/iowa are doing the same as the kiwis but with the pigs.

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65

u/SheepherderFlaky1509 Jan 26 '22

Can confirm.Source: Am new zealander

18

u/spaghetti_manz Jan 26 '22

User name checks out

15

u/p0cket-r0cket Jan 26 '22

Classic newzealand

15

u/ThiccElf Jan 26 '22

So New Zealand is Australia's Wales? TIL

8

u/EiffelTowerRetreat Jan 26 '22

For me it's weird hearing that it's a Welsh thing too (Although I think I've heard it before once or twice)

1

u/LucaLiveLIGMA Jan 26 '22

I knew about the amount of sheep in NZ but I didn't know there was the shagging thing, for me the Welsh are the sheep shaggers

7

u/FrostingsVII Jan 26 '22

We are Australia's Canada tyvm.

3

u/hat-TF2 Jan 26 '22

There was a brief period of time that New Zealand was part of the colony of NSW. So yes NZ was in some way part of Australia. But as a New Zealander who has lived in Australia, I can say the differences aren't that great. I've also lived in the states, and a Yank's about as different from an Aussie as he is from a New Zealander. We're all quite similar yet different. Although I must say, in the Southern Hemisphere, we've yet to get that whole "school shooting" thing going on. That's one thing Yanks have the real edge on.

75

u/mosheoofnikrulz Jan 26 '22

Did he come to that conclusion after number 11?

19

u/nichdavi04 Jan 26 '22

I believe that's the joke, yes

1

u/TruTube Jan 26 '22

He actually came to the conclusion after number 10 but hadn't worked out the flaws yet and 11 was born

1

u/mosheoofnikrulz Jan 26 '22

Maybe he invented the condom at number three but didn't share it with his neighbor

9

u/Mr_Unknown_009 Jan 26 '22

Oh now he can make his own Cricket team

9

u/Overall_Stranger_536 Jan 26 '22

These are Russian family. Almost all of them were shoot dead during the civil war. Only father , elder sons and of of his daughters could survive a murder.

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16

u/VividlyEmerald Jan 26 '22

as a kiwi can 100% confirm that this is true(we were taught in school)

3

u/General-Khunobi Jan 26 '22

As a new zealander i can confirm i still do this everyday

8

u/Lava4creeper Jan 26 '22

As a New Zealander I have never before been so offended by something I 100% agree with.

9

u/Plasma_FTW Jan 26 '22

Well that was uncalled for. Now my feelings are hurt :(

16

u/InvisaBlah Jan 26 '22

Pay a visit to your local sheep farm, you'll feel right as rain in no time

4

u/TeagueMcChikkieBoi Jan 26 '22

Hey! I’m in this post!

2

u/Prepare_Bleach_Again Jan 26 '22

Viciously uncaps the bottle of bleach on my desk

2

u/d8f_ Jan 26 '22

mf called condom

2

u/gameknight08 Jan 26 '22

2

u/gameknight08 Jan 26 '22

If they didn’t take out the sheep intestines out of the sheep to use it and still is in the sheep then they did it in the hole 🤔🤔🤔🤔

2

u/NotMe296565565654 Jan 26 '22

Can confirm we still use the sheep it's a coming of age tradition now tho

2

u/Big_Nugz72 Jan 27 '22

Reminds me of a joke from my time in the Air Force in South Dakota. There was a small town NW of the base. Belle Fourche. Where the men are men and the sheep are scared.

4

u/VTLED13_TheMonkey Jan 26 '22

What does Australia, New Zealand and Ireland have in common. All don't care about the English. Take that America with your worship of the monarchy your ancestors fled from.

3

u/BigBobthebilder Jan 26 '22

That's a horrible way to spell Wales

8

u/Real_Carl_Ramirez Jan 26 '22

In Australia we have this joke that New Zealanders shag sheep, and Tasmanians shag relatives. At least the one about Tasmanians has been debunked.

1

u/PeacefulSoySouce Jan 26 '22

as a new Zealander, I have no idea this was even a thing, but the more I know I guess

1

u/That-nz-guy Jan 26 '22

Your from New zealand and have never heard the sheep jokes??

1

u/E-ShoeYT Jan 26 '22

Now that’s a lot of damage.

1

u/McFrostee Jan 26 '22

Lmao, fricken, why? Sheep aren't even native to New Zealand

2

u/EiffelTowerRetreat Jan 26 '22

Because sheep have been an important part of NZ for a long damn time.

From Wikipedia:

Sheep farming is a significant industry in New Zealand. According to 2007 figures reported by the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) of the United Nations, there are 39 million sheep in the country (a count of about 10 per individual). The country has the highest density of sheep per unit area in the world. For 130 years, sheep farming was the country's most important agricultural industry, but it was overtaken by dairy farming in 1987. Sheep numbers peaked in New Zealand in 1982 to 70 million and then dropped to about 27.6 million.[1] There are 16,000 sheep and beef farms in the country which has made the country the world's largest exporter of lambs, with 24 million finished lambs recorded every year.[2]

2

u/McFrostee Jan 26 '22

I know, I live here. But what started the whole New Zealand sheep-cest thing?

2

u/EiffelTowerRetreat Jan 28 '22

Oh, that I've got no clue about. I blame the aussies

-1

u/tortellin1 Jan 26 '22

Lmao, so fricken true 😂😂😂 dumb cunt

1

u/EmpireCityRay Jan 26 '22

11 Pfff, give a man a HDTV & you’d be lucky with a dog.

1

u/NineBallThief Jan 26 '22

Hahaha this really made me laugh, hahaha

1

u/Verundios Jan 26 '22

I'm pretty sure the first condoms were made out of cat intestines in Egypt...but don't quote me on that, look it up yourself cause i'm too bored to do so...

1

u/GBCOLDO44 Jan 26 '22

Poor mans Alex Horne...

1

u/danted002 Jan 26 '22

This made me chuckle IRL 🤣

1

u/L0ST-S0CK Jan 26 '22

As a New Zealander I didn’t know about this and I wish I never did..

1

u/Sburr_ Jan 26 '22

Reddit light mode, bruhhhhh

1

u/Ravanan_ Jan 26 '22

"After all, we humans have a lot in common than differences" - a Pakistani bhai

1

u/woodstockbird9 Jan 26 '22

Saw in the Grand Tour that donkeys are the first girlfriend to Columbians.

1

u/Dont_PM_PLZ Jan 26 '22

That must be a family of time travelers, because they're all wearing 1890s clothes.

1

u/Intersuffercator Jan 26 '22

As a Kiwi (New Zealander) i can say i have never removed a sheep intestine...

1

u/BeastCamel Jan 26 '22 edited Jan 27 '22

Ah yes, sheep. Or as we in New Zealand like to call them: woolly fleshlights that wriggle a lot

1

u/Teaknoodle Jan 26 '22

um what did i read

1

u/SketchyNinja04 Jan 26 '22

I feel like I can make a Wales joke here.. But idk i live too close to the Welsh to do that

1

u/black_hat_magician Jan 26 '22

Lol in NZ we make a similar joke about the Welsh

1

u/gozba Jan 26 '22

What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other arm?

Bi-sexual

1

u/No-Growth-8155 Jan 26 '22

In glasgow we use an empty packet of crisps and an elastic band

1

u/JohnCenaBoiWill Jan 26 '22

This is so accurate it's baa-zare.

1

u/Rose_is_dizzy Jan 26 '22

Hey! Only sometimes!

1

u/Bigbog54 Jan 26 '22

Same joke a different way:

The Greeks invented sex. The Italians made it better when they introduced women.

Told to me be a giant Greek guy

1

u/Myst3riousX Jan 26 '22

I use human intestines

1

u/rekcuF_onaiP Jan 26 '22

cursed condoms

1

u/JosephGamerGreaney Jan 26 '22

As a new zealander, I can confirm.

1

u/_Charlie_Bean_ Jan 26 '22

The most cursed thing here is light mode Reddit.

1

u/Marky_Mark_Official Jan 26 '22

good ol' sheep shaggers

1

u/Thomtotom Jan 26 '22

Bro why are there so many memes about nz now and why are they all funny?

1

u/Evilmaze Jan 26 '22

This guy never pulled out of anything in his life

1

u/Veracer420 Jan 26 '22

Yeah here in Australia it’s a stereotype that people from newzealand fuck sheep

1

u/lyzani Jan 26 '22

And here I thought only the Welsh were sheep shaggers

1

u/00111101a00101001 Jan 26 '22

Applies to Slovakia too

1

u/NocturnalGorillas Jan 26 '22

So it’s just sausage over sausage

1

u/Unlucky-Luck3792 Jan 26 '22

Oldie but a goodie

1

u/AergiasChestnuts Jan 26 '22

"Martha, Bill, Martha?"

1

u/chimpmoment Jan 26 '22

dirty deeds done with sheep

1

u/miranto Jan 26 '22

I thought that was the Middle East?

1

u/the_other_Scaevitas Jan 26 '22

I had to google this, inventor of the condom was Charles Goodyear, sorry

1

u/Raidertomboy Jan 26 '22

I see what you did there

1

u/TheGoatSinLust Jan 26 '22

Cursed wooosh

1

u/LER_Legion Jan 26 '22

This man FUCKS

1

u/SadRoxFan Jan 26 '22

No, no, no. That’s not the Kiwis, that’s the Welsh who did that

1

u/vinesh101 Jan 26 '22

Images using like a whole live sheep as a condom how much does a vagina have to stretch for that.

1

u/refused_entry Jan 26 '22

there was no greg condom, i googled it

1

u/DomoArigato75 Jan 26 '22

People used wooden condoms for a time

1

u/Exseatsniffer Jan 26 '22

I dont know if it's still there but in Cairo at the tutankhamun exhibition there is a display with his condom.

1

u/itssDAXXX Jan 26 '22

The dash between fact and humans triggers me.

1

u/Salt-Policy7394 Jan 26 '22

The real crime is op using reddit without dark mode

1

u/brito68 Jan 26 '22

When I saw the first comment I thought mine was going to be right under it.

"glad to know I wasn't the first one then" is not cursed enough, I guess

1

u/AlamFenix Jan 26 '22

Way to go from bad to worst to "WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?!"

1

u/vespularufa Jan 26 '22

I'm sure Welsh ppl can relate

1

u/MapTotal1653 Jan 26 '22

hell even the romans had contraceptives