What makes me angry is seeing nothing whatsoever in the statistics to reflect my own experience of being harshly punished by family and abandoned by friends for inconveniencing them by sharing with them how bad things had gotten, with some of my family doing things that sure felt a whole lot like intentionally trying to push me over the edge, and in one case an immediate family member even explicitly encouraged me to kill myself saying that it was my "only remaining option". So to strangers, the fact that that reaction is apparently a statistical outlier means to them that it doesn't happen at all and my own story must be made up and unbelievable. I don't exist because I'm improbable. Meanwhile, I've refused to end my miserable existence not because anyone decided to reach out and lift me up, but because I'd rather suffer in life than give such people exactly what they want by making their lives simpler with my death.
Yea… there is that side of it too. It definitely doesn’t always work out.
Which is where I mentioned people being too self-absorbed to notice; or conversely, like in your case, so self-absorbed that they think your life struggles are an “inconvenience” to them and your confiding in them is a nuisance. That’s when you find out who your real friends are.
It usually all comes down to ignorance and a major lack of empathy (or lack of the ability to even understand empathy in the first place).
I’ve definitely been where you are before. In a twisted way it did kinda help. Similar to what you said, I just didn’t even want to give people some perverted sense of satisfaction by proving themselves right in their minds.
Most people are just clueless and totally oblivious to any perspective but their own. It’s a mad world.
I've never had a serious thought about suicide no matter how much I was struggling because I'm just that stubborn. I might cry and complain so much that everyone is sick of it but ultimately I will never give up, well until any improvement is literally impossible that is.
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u/strain_of_thought Aug 13 '21
What makes me angry is seeing nothing whatsoever in the statistics to reflect my own experience of being harshly punished by family and abandoned by friends for inconveniencing them by sharing with them how bad things had gotten, with some of my family doing things that sure felt a whole lot like intentionally trying to push me over the edge, and in one case an immediate family member even explicitly encouraged me to kill myself saying that it was my "only remaining option". So to strangers, the fact that that reaction is apparently a statistical outlier means to them that it doesn't happen at all and my own story must be made up and unbelievable. I don't exist because I'm improbable. Meanwhile, I've refused to end my miserable existence not because anyone decided to reach out and lift me up, but because I'd rather suffer in life than give such people exactly what they want by making their lives simpler with my death.