I'm (31M) in a long-term relationship (12Y) and my girlfriend (31F) doesn't seem to be into sex at all

[u/Only-Translator-846]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 12 years, and living together for the past 7-ish. She hasn’t been with anyone else, and I’ve been with only 2 other girls, one of which I never had sex with. We are pretty alright together, we share a lot of common interests, I’d say she could be my best friend.

The only problem is we are very different when it comes to sex, I’ve been seeing this during the whole relationship, but I guess I thought at some point things would change. While she is fine having sex once per mont I struggle to go past a week without it. She is not very affectionate either, it’s really hard to flirt with her, as she will push me away unless she feels that day we could go for the full thing.

In the past it also made me feel very insecure, thinking I wasn’t good enough at bed or that she didn’t find me attractive, but she has assured me multiple times it’s not like that, she says she just isn’t that much into sex. She’s never had any sexual fantasies or watched any adult movies and she is quite reluctant to all of it. She insists she really does have fun when we are into it, though.

For me, the sex goes from bad to okay-ish, I usually have to take control of the situation as she has little to no initiative with it, and even though I like to be dominant, I don’t think I’ve ever felt desired in bed with her. I feel like if I never tried to start it we would never have it, it’s like she is never into it. The other girl I had sex with in the past really made me feel desired and I think we were a lot more aligned in this matter, which I think it even makes it worse.

I’ve talked with her about maybe trying an open relationship but she’s not interested in meeting or exploring her sexuality with any new partner nor does she feel secure/ready for me to do so. Which I find weird considering she hasn’t been with anyone else, but I respect it.

The other day we had all the afternoon ahead of us, we were on bed kissing, laughing, having a good time, and she expressed she was a bit frustrated that she didn't feel any kind of arousal at the moment, since she was having a good time. It is quite frustrating for me as well, since I really have no idea how to help in the matter, she says she likes how I kiss and tease her and that is sensual enough, she's just not into it at any time.

Is there any way I could try to help "awaken" her sex drive? Am I being unfair? Should I just be happy that we have a good relationship out of bed?

I just want to be clear with this: my first and desired option is, and will always be, trying to make this relationship work. I love my girlfriend. I'm just losing hope into making it work.

Thank you for taking your time to read me.

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TLDR: I've(31M) been 12 years with the same girl(31F) which never made me feel desired in bed, she has low to non existent sex drive and is pretty frustrated about it. Not sure if I should be ending things due to age(31) and duration(12y) of the relationship, if there's any way I can help her, or if there's any other alternative I should consider.

[u/burtweber]

It’s very obvious he does respect her for that. That doesn’t make his desires any less valid, though.