r/tifu Aug 18 '22 Snek 3 Table Slap 1 Take My Power 1 Facepalm 1 Gold 3 Hugz 1 Press F 1 Silver 19 Heartwarming 1 Helpful 5 Tearing Up 1 Bravo! 1 Wholesome 18

TIFU by opening my fiancé's dms M

The wound is still fresh so bear with me.

The Discovery

I had a rough day and my fiancé's algorithms are top notch, so I was scrolling through his apps to entertain myself hoping for a pick me up. He went to take a shower. I opened his Instagram (got bored with Reddit, so sorry) and noticed he had a couple new dms. We don't snoop through each other's phones, but we don't hide anything either (or so I thought) so I clicked on them just to see if they were important because he doesn't check Insta that often.

WELL. I see the dms are from a deleted account???, thus sparking my interest. So I click, and I scroll. Messages go years back--maybe twenty to thirty messages total. Some winky faces, some slightly sexual memes, and a few photos of lingerie. Nothing outright incriminating but... who is this bitch? My heart dropped. We're getting married in less than five months. These messages aren't okay. He's not a cheater??? Never once have I questioned that, nor has he given me any reason to. I start to see red.

The Confrontation

I put on my big girl pants, wipe my tears, and storm into the bathroom. Rip open the shower curtain, revealing this idiot's (albeit glorious) naked body. He, though quite startled, raises his eyebrows and smirks. "Looking to join?" He says. Wrong move buddy.

I go off. You know, like a badass.

He denies it. You know, like a liar.

I hold his towel hostage and toss him his phone so he can see for himself. He scrolls and pulls off this wildly confused demeanor. I literally see the blood leave his face. He just kinda says stuttering "...baby I don't know?"

We go back and forth. He swears up and down he has no idea who this could be. "I'm just as surprised as you are!!!" He claims, criminally. So, I take his phone so I can quote this "other woman" for emphasis.

The Reveal

I ready my best valley girl voice and scroll to the most recent received messages. I notice for the first time, inconveniently so, a picture she sent of a Guinea pig. I think, "Aw hell, I love Guinea pigs." Then I remember... I have seen this Guinea pig before.

Then I realize. She is me.

I deleted all my social media almost a year ago. Neither of us remembered any of the messages we sent. I start laughing and happy crying. My fiancé looks as if he just won the lottery and received the death penalty simultaneously.

The Aftermath

Now we sit, both recently showered, debating whether or not we should welcome a Guinea pig into our family. I am so embarrassed. He is so relieved. We are crazy, stupid, and so in love.

TLDR; Found cheating-indicating messages on my fiancé's phone. Turns out it was my old deleted account. I'm an idiot. He's a keeper.

Edit: Didn’t wanna edit because I didn’t wanna make the hate worse. My fiancé commented somewhere in here a few minutes ago, I just picked up my phone & WOW was not expecting all this. I did apologize to him fully, and I’m sorry I didn’t know I should’ve included that. Most posts I read on here don’t usually include a full resolution. I wrote this quickly not expecting it to blow up. Looking back I would’ve changed a lot of my wording. I could defend myself for a lot of things but that likely wouldn’t help. All of this story is true, it was so odd which is what prompted me to post it. He’s not leaving me, there’s so much more to our lives than this. I didn’t assault him. We are naked at home more than we’re clothed. You’re all not in my relationship, but I can tell you that him being in the shower was not a violating aspect. He was annoyed, but not hurt or degraded. I’ve never blown up like this & intend never to again. I’ve also never worried or accused him before of cheating. This was my first experience and I didn’t know how to handle it. I understand concern for him but there’s no reason to say I deserve xyz. Not sure how to prove this story is true? But think what you will. I didn’t mean to sound so cavalier; I wasn’t very conscious of my tone of voice. I always write dramatically but understand that if you don’t know me it’s different. Wasn’t expecting to be called psychotic. Lastly thanks to the few commenters who left Guinea pig info.

Final edit only for clarity bc it got worse after my first: His comment said this but it’s lost. He handed me his phone. He goes on Instagram maybe once or twice a year? We have an open phone policy. I didn’t snoop because our boundaries are: I don’t look at texts with his mom, brother, or therapist. He doesn’t look at my texts with my sister, brother, therapist, or best friend. I don’t have social media besides Reddit & he’s rarely active on his. To my knowledge, the boundaries we set have never been broken by either of us. The lingerie pics weren’t of me. They were pics he sent to me that he thought I’d like. I wrote this using the exact language of my thoughts in the moment. Sorry if it’s cringy but it’s accurate for what I was feeling/thinking. I’m not a creative writer & I’m not trying to be.

And disclaimer: if you keep stigmatizing mental illness like you are I’m going to delete this if I can. I’m not here for karma I’m here cause today I fucked up. It’s absolutely horrible to use illnesses to describe behavior in such hateful ways, please think about the people you could hurt, besides me, who might read your hate & feel shame because of it.

26.4k Upvotes

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u/MalteseFalcon7 Aug 18 '22 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Starry I Shy Eureka!

If you like pina coladas...

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u/KataraaWaterbender Aug 18 '22

this made me laugh audibly. thank you

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u/10erJohnny Aug 18 '22

It’s wild how that’s what the song is about, and it took me like 30 years to figure that out. See also: Lola

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u/blakemuhhfukn Aug 18 '22

wait, what? that song is about cheating??

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u/MrWaffler Aug 18 '22 Helpful

The song is about two people bored in their marriage when one puts out an ad in the local paper looking for, essentially, an affair partner. The other partner reads that ad and thinks the person in it sounds way more interesting than their current partner so they put out one of their own to arrange to meet but when they do.. surprise!! It was their current partners this whole time!!!

And I guess it ends happily in the song but god damn what a horrid relationship.

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u/BuzzedtheTower Aug 18 '22

I mean, the relationship isn't great. But I think it's still somewhat sweet. Like, clearly both parties had mentally checked out of their marriage and that's a huge issue in and of itself. However, they are both still fundamentally the same people they were when they got together/married given the partner that read the ad was like "Hell yes." So they are still a great match, they just needed to put the effort in again

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u/alchmst1259 Aug 18 '22

Well I think something that takes a little more digging here is: both people involved in that song had all these unfulfilled fantasies, and felt they were living less than they could be. But there's literally a line in there towards the end, "I never knew." So the moral of the story is: communicate! Tell your partner your fuckin fantasies. Tell them the wild crazy weird shit you wanna do, because maybe they wanna do that shit too!

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u/retr0oo Aug 18 '22

Lola, no, The Escape, yes. Lola is pretty obvious if you give the lyrics a read.

Spoiler: Lola is a man.

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u/Sttocs Aug 18 '22

“I’m glad I’m a man and so is Lolaaaa…”

Brilliant writing.

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u/poppypoppy12345 Aug 18 '22

Well… I had never understood what Lola was about. Turns out I had sung along without ever considering the meaning! TIL!

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u/Both_Philosophy2507 Aug 18 '22

I'm 38 and just listened to the lyrics for the first time and realized what the song was about last week. I love the wife's reaction when she realizes she's meeting her husband!

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u/GiantPurplePeopleEat Aug 18 '22

For anyone else who didn’t know how the wife reacts, these are the pertinent lyrics:

… So I waited with high hopes And she walked in the place I knew her smile in an instant I knew the curve of her face … It was my own lovely lady And she said, "Oh, it's you" Then we laughed for a moment And I said, "I never knew"

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u/Emranotkool Aug 18 '22

I always think in my head she says it unimpressed like “oh. It’s you” 😒

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u/coolguy12akabob Aug 18 '22

I can't read "oh. It's you" without a GLaDOS voice

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u/Eggmegmuffin Aug 18 '22

The pina colada is a lie

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u/-Vattgern- Aug 18 '22

And getting caught in the shower…

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u/raindroppingacid Aug 18 '22

My wife found a woman's silver bracelet in the back seat of my car. She didn't outright accuse me of cheating but it was very suspect. I also had no idea where this bracelet could have come from so I was also confused about it.

A couple of years later we were looking at pictures of a wedding we had gone to years before. In one of the photos, clear as day, there's my wife wearing the bracelet. It was a gift from the bride to my wife for being a bridesmaid.

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u/th3d3k0y Aug 18 '22

Must have been a very memorable present

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u/Lunchmoney39 Aug 18 '22

Plot Twist: all bridesmaids got the same bracelet. Inserts Doubt

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u/Bryancreates Aug 18 '22

My friend is hooking up with a married dude. She leaves hairpins in his car on purpose. It’s messed up.

604

u/JACrazy Aug 18 '22 Silver LOVE!

My friend keeps sleeping with a married man. She says he's her best friend and she cant be without him, I guess that's why they're married.

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u/Bryancreates Aug 18 '22

You had me in the first half. Like referring to your wife as your ex-girlfriend lol. Technically true.

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u/Nathan-Stubblefield Aug 18 '22

I worked at a place where a woman would call, ask for Tommy, and say “Tell him his First Wife is calling.” Later I learned it was his only and present wife having fun.

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u/Lunchmoney39 Aug 18 '22

Sounds like He’s a scumbag. And she’s fucking messed up, but also his Karma. It’s an Evil World We Live In

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u/Bryancreates Aug 18 '22

Especially when I keep telling her “he’s not cheating on you with his wife. That’s not how any of this works!” If he doesn’t get back to her or is with his family.

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u/Lunchmoney39 Aug 18 '22

Oh, yea. She don’t know her place. There’s rules to that game and she ain’t playin it right. Godspeed to everyone in that inevitable catastrophe.

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u/Clarpydarpy Aug 18 '22

Why are you friends with this person?

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u/Bryancreates Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

Somewhere in this thread I actually answered this question inadvertently. We’ve been close friends for over 30 years, and we’re not yet 40. Been through all the weird shit that comes with growing up, together. We live on opposite sides of the country now, but know too much about each other to bail at this point.

Extra edit. I responded to thread about what young people will never know. It was about talking to your bff about everything and nothing, on a 30ft corded phone late at night, and if it got disconnected you’d have a plan of who would call back first and you’d immediately answer because the ring would wake up your parents. That was her.

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u/Lunchmoney39 Aug 18 '22

I’m merely a spectator with this story. But I’d say that I know a lot of good people who do bad things. And the severity of those bad things dictate if I associate with them or not. Different Strokes for Different Folks.

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u/t4thfavor Aug 18 '22

He’s a scumbag, but she’s nutty thinking she can have him all for herself and he won’t continue to be a scumbag. It’s like reverse “I can fix her”.

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u/varrock_dark_wizard Aug 18 '22

Well we know he got to the backseat of his car that night after the wedding 🤣

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u/TediousStranger Aug 18 '22

I mean. We know his wife did at best...

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u/TicketedBullet Aug 18 '22

Well… we know a bridesmaid was back there…

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u/SnakeBeardTheGreat Aug 18 '22

Why does the wife now have two of those bracelets?

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u/j0llyllama Aug 18 '22

When I first started dating my now wife, she found a pair of women's lacey black underwear in my laundry. At the time I was living with 3 female room mates so it easily could have been a mix up that came in from their stuff, but after talking with everyone the source of these was unknown and she was highly suspicious of me. I convinced her that I had no idea where they could have come from and there is no way I would have ever cheated.

About two months later she finds a lacey black lingerie top in the back of her closet with no panties. The underwear we found before were from a lingerie set she never wears, she just wore the panties cuz she was out of clean laundry and forgot she even owned them.

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u/Angry_Pelican Aug 18 '22

My Ex found a pair of panties that weren't hers and it really bothered her. They were just regular black panties from Victoria secret.

Honestly I've thought about it a lot and I'm not sure where they came from. She found them when doing her laundry Maybe hers and she forgot about them? She had a ton of clothes. Or left over from a friend or her roommates before we moved in together. Honestly not sure and we will never find out I guess.

Eventually the relationship failed a couple years later for a myriad of reasons, mostly due to me being depressed. I definitely failed in that relationship but I didn't cheat at the very least.

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u/MedicMac89 Aug 18 '22

Similar but different. My girlfriend confronted me about a pair of women’s shorts she found in the laundry. She was understandably upset and I was very confused. She hands them to me and they are my pair of “silkies” that I use for running. She was convinced I was just covering myself until I showed her the site I ordered them from and that they are indeed for men. All is well except for the fact that I now think my running shorts look like women’s apparel lol

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u/MokausiLietuviu Aug 18 '22

My brother's girlfriend found someone else's eyeliner in his car. My brother swore blind he'd never had another woman in his car and she didn't believe him.

It was mine. I'm a guy who performs wearing stage makeup. They only figured this out after months of suspicion

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u/Infra-Oh Aug 18 '22

My then fiancé (now wife) found some girls lipstick in the backseat of my car haha. I had no idea where it came from, but I could not keep a straight face bc I recognized how hilariously bad it all looked. For some reason she wasn’t as amused as I was.

Anyway fast forward a few months, we figured out that our mechanic would sometimes let his daughter borrow my car when I would take it in. Which explained why even simple procedures would sometimes take a week or more to fix.

We’ve since found a new mechanic!

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u/Adamkafka Aug 18 '22

I'd like to imagine you waiting for the city bus as your car whizzes by bumpin' Bieber

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u/Owl-Resident Aug 18 '22

Wtf? Glad you got a new mechanic

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u/Auzymundius Aug 18 '22

we figured out that our mechanic would sometimes let his daughter borrow my car

There's a story here, right? How did you find out?

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u/pookachu83 Aug 18 '22

He was waiting at the bus stop and the girl drove by in his car bumping Beiber

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u/ValyrianJedi Aug 18 '22

I bought an engagement ring at a silent auction type deal for my cousin to give his girlfriend a year or so ago. Young broke cousin gets a nice ring for her, charity gets money, win win... Then she ended up being awful so they broke up like 3 weeks later. My wife was putting something away in my man cave deal, opened a drawer, and found what was very clearly an engagement ring. She fliiipped at first before I had a chance to explain and she remembered me mentioning it.

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u/Patient_End_8432 Aug 18 '22

Don't worry, we found underwear that was a little too big for my wife. She got incredibly pissed (understandable. We had other clothing pop up mysteriously and just laughed it off. Undies though?)

And I was freaking out a bit.

Turns out that when we were moving, somehow a pair of my sisters underwear got into the boxes of stuff

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u/Seattlehepcat Aug 18 '22

My late wife once came out of the bedroom freaking out. My mother had recently visited and one of her pairs of underwear ended up in our laundry and my wife found out by absentmindedly pulling them out and putting them on. Good times. :)

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u/pookachu83 Aug 18 '22

Oh lord, this whole thread brings back memories. So I used to date this really petite friend of mine years ago, we dated on and off for awhile but remained friends. One of the times we slept together I guess she left her panties in my bed when I was living with family for a month after relocating. So when I had packed that comforter I guess the undies were packed as well. I completely forgot about the bag with the comforter and got a new bed shortly after, so the bag with the panties was found a couple years later after I'd been in a serious relationship for over a year. I guess I grabbed the bag out of storage to wash the old comforter when we stained our current one. Long story short, my tall, not petite girlfriend found a pair of tiny underwear in the dryer and I had some explaining to do. It was pretty bad because we had had zero guests, or no female roommates, or anything like that, then a random pair of little lacy panties show up in the dryer. Fun fact that I also remembered just now, I shit you not- me and that girlfriend visited my hometown and we went out drinking with the girl who owned the underwear and they made out because they were hammered. Little did she know that she was kissing the girl who's underwear she found a few months before in the dryer. It traveled from Florida to Pennsylvania. I just now made this connection 9 years later lol.

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u/overkill_input_club Aug 18 '22

Lol. My wife found someone else's thong in our laundry. My wife doesn't wear thongs and it was the wrong size.

Both of us just kinda went.. what the fuck is this doing in here.. did someone break in and put a thong in our stuff or what? Then we both realized we sometimes use the wash n fold service at the laundromat and it probably came from there.

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u/PrestigeMaster Aug 18 '22

My best friend and his fiancée stayed the night at our house one night. Fast forward a few months and my wife finds a woman’s ring in the guest bedroom. I was in hot water for a couple days until we finally put two and two together. Going through that kind of stuff is kinda hurtful - you’re on one end knowing that you didn’t and wouldn’t do anything like what they’re implying and they’re not believing you because “object is here”, but you’re right to them it’s just super sus. That was like 8 years ago and we’ve been married almost 10 so I reckon we moved past that phase.

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u/Extreme_Tear_8632 Aug 18 '22

i had a full on melt down when i found a pair of strange sunglasses in my partner’s car…they were mine, i found them camping and chucked them the glovebox and promptly forgot about them

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22

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u/Warlordnipple Aug 18 '22

So you fucked one of the bridesmaids in the backseat of your car and now your wife will never know?

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u/FinallyFree96 Aug 18 '22

So you know what makes a great rubber band, that doesn’t degrade in a hot car? Elastic hairbands for ponytails. However since I’m going bald and have shaved my head for 20+ years the only logical conclusion to several ex-girlfriends has been I must be cheating or refusing to let go of someone before them. Never mind I do a lot of camping and use them all the time and said girlfriends have seen them in use. Needless to say they were always happy I had one handy when needed, and they are all ex-girlfriends.

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u/ArmadilloDays Aug 18 '22 Silver Helpful

Get two Guinea pigs - they need company.

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u/homowithoutsapiens Aug 18 '22

it's actually illegal to have one guinea pig in my country :)

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u/Dilyn Aug 18 '22

The law doesn't want them to be lonely.

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u/surreysmith Aug 18 '22

But that means if they don't die at the same time then you have 1 guinea pig and if you don't buy another one right away, you're breaking the law

And so you are stuck in a cycle for the rest of your life

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u/CreepyGoose5033 Aug 18 '22 Helpful

if you don't buy another one right away, you're breaking the law

As intended. Big Guinea Pig lobbied hard to get that law passed

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u/TediousStranger Aug 18 '22 Wholesome

Big Guinea Pig

Capybara?

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u/shpiffeh Aug 18 '22

Didn't realize Big Guinea Pig operated under the same logic as Big Hot Dog Bun

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u/whomad1215 Aug 18 '22

I've heard there are companies where they rent out a Guinea pig until yours dies

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u/Tyrath Aug 18 '22

I'd be so sad giving one back...especially after the death of another one.

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u/butmeanwhile Aug 18 '22

Was looking for this. It is crucial for their well being. It is even illegal to only have one in some countries. I hope OP reads this - it’s the most important advice in here.

Also - OP. You guys sound funny and stupid and funny. Like me and my bf. And I salute you on shower sex as make up sex - and people saying sex don’t count as a solutions to fights don’t get enough. When you have a great sex life im sure your communication is great as well. Great sex lives after many year in a relationship requires openness and communication and trust, and you guys have it.

Also - in my eyes, this wasn’t a fight. You were afraid of losing your man and panicked, I can totally see that. And he was like “🤨🧐🤷‍♀️🥺” and then you both realised and he just went back to loving his sweet lil dumbass girlfriend. It’s all good.

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u/pauvenpatchwork Aug 18 '22

Wish my 8 year-old self knew this and didn’t get a pair of hamsters instead. Night after night of them attacking each other. Of course the pet store owner said nothing.

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u/TheDesktopNinja Aug 18 '22

I keep telling people: RATS. They're one of the best "first pets".

Get a pair (or more) of boys (or girls, but the boys are generally more relaxed. The girls have a lot of very instinctive nesting behaviors so they tend to be very energetic. Personal preference!), preferably littermates, and you're set.

For 18-36 months :(

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u/jwbowen Aug 18 '22

The large, protruding testicles of male rats make me uncomfortable

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u/Bearandbreegull Aug 18 '22

You get used to them. And then they just become hilarious.

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u/TheDesktopNinja Aug 18 '22

I've heard that some people get their rats neutered, but it seems like a lot of stress on a tiny body that lives such a short life.

But for people like you, there's the girl rats! They're still great, just a bit more high strung.

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u/Beneficial_Car2596 Aug 18 '22

Fucking Based and a unique comment might I add

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u/s-mores Aug 18 '22

Just wait until after the wedding you realize he sleeps every damn night with an ex-gf. Also you.

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u/amateurrocketeer Aug 18 '22

My wife had to stop me jokingly introducing her as my ex-girlfriend shortly after we got married. I thought it was funny the 5th time. She did not.

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u/nbdphillthy Aug 18 '22

Wish I had a picture of my mother in laws face when I referred to her daughter as my first wife to a stranger.

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u/elvishfiend Aug 18 '22

Whenever I talk about something in feet or inches, my wife says "my next husband will use the metric system"

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u/peepay Aug 18 '22

Is she single?

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u/nonrebreather Aug 18 '22 Silver

Inching closer and closer by the sound of it.

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u/AirshipPirateCaptain Aug 18 '22 Wholesome

Centimetering* closer

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u/KingJonathan Aug 18 '22

My first memories of the metric system were of me and my cousins making fun of each other for having a millimeter peter.

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u/HurtsToSmith Aug 18 '22

At some point, every full grown penis was once a milimeter peter.

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u/Nearin Aug 18 '22

Bruh yo dont have a chance im movin in decimeters out here

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u/Bradddtheimpaler Aug 18 '22

My buddy only posts on social media as a character. He’s been married for 25 years, but if he ever mentions his wife on his posts he always calls her his “current wife.” Cracks me up every time. Same thing when he refers to his “legitimate son.”

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u/thatgreek1 Aug 18 '22

Hilarious

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u/sunchildphd Aug 18 '22

Reminds me of those posts where the extra details are accurate but also deliberately suspicious just for being included. The human mind is a trip.

Also, I like OP’s relationship trust and their general reduction of smedia.

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u/PatatietPatata Aug 18 '22

I, a very human entity, also appreciate this type of humor.

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u/Moetrump Aug 18 '22

Asbestos free cereal

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u/87KingSquirrel Aug 18 '22

Me and my step son have a running joke when it gets too much of an argument we demand dna tests. The wife gave up trying to stop us. 11 year joke still going strong.

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u/thingsorfreedom Aug 18 '22

My dad introduces my mom as his first wife all the time. The fact they are 80 and have been married for almost 60 years makes it funny for all.

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u/AnnieJack Aug 18 '22

My ex husband introduced me to his coworker as his first wife.

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u/Infinitelyodiforous Aug 18 '22

Sounds like he wasn't wrong?

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u/nbdphillthy Aug 18 '22

Well I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you found someone better 😅

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u/AnnieJack Aug 18 '22

Yes and no. We’ve been divorced for a number of years, and I’m quite happy being single.

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u/Papips Aug 18 '22

“My second wife will think it’s funny when I joke about my third wife being better.”

My wife does not like that at all.

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u/Future_Branch_8629 Aug 18 '22

Dad jokes are the best jokes

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u/skiingdiver Aug 18 '22

my dad referred to me in public as his favorite daughter. this was when we had temporary guardianship of a family friend’s daughter, who was my age. we referred to my “adopted” friend as my sister.

the whiplash on a lady who overheard us was hilarious

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u/Powerrrrrrrrr Aug 18 '22

I was talking to my sister in law when she said “so are you going to give me a niece or nephew soon? Your wife’s not getting any younger, you might run out of time”

I said “she might, but I can still have kids” 😂

We’re family, we love each other, it’s all jokes :)

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u/Ruca187 Aug 18 '22

Few months ago I yelled at my husband "keep it up and I won't be your girlfriend anymore." He died laughing and asked if I meant to demote myself? We've been married 4 years too.

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u/boisterouslilmumma Aug 18 '22

I had something similar to this the other day. I think we were bickering about some non sense and my partner came out with "I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HOLD MY GIRLFRIEND!" I replied with "And who the hell is that? Because we have been engaged for 2 years now!"

I always hear fiance or partner, girl friend just sounds ridiculous lmao

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u/imthatoneguyyouknew Aug 18 '22

That's because when she became your fiance she became your ex girlfriend. Now that she is your wife, she is your ex fiance. That position deserves its own recognition.

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u/JonnyredsFalcons Aug 18 '22

That's a funny scene in Four Weddings & A Funeral as well: Hugh Grants character: How's old Flossie, still your girlfriend? Friend: Ah, she's no longer my girlfriend HG: No surprise there, she was shagging half the rugby team at the same time Friend: She's now my wife....

Paraphrased as can't remember the full scipt

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u/Merkin_Wrangler Aug 18 '22

My wife and I met very shortly after the end of my previous long relationship & married quickly. I introduced her as "the rebound" exactly once. I can still feel the bruise on my arm 26 years later.

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u/1800generalkenobi Aug 18 '22

There was a post I saw (I think on facebook) where the a husband and wife goes to his work party and a coworker comes up to them and goes "Oh you must be his wife." and she goes "You have a wife?!" lol. I sent that to my wife in the hopes that we do that one day.

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u/fetustasteslikechikn Aug 18 '22

You should see how introducing her as "the concubine" goes.

While hilarious to me, it didn't work out well for my friend....

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u/amateurrocketeer Aug 18 '22

Lol one of my mates casually introduced his wife to another mate's new girlfriend as "the woman I'm currently banging". They've been married 19 years haha

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u/Chia_Pet_Rock Aug 18 '22

My partner introduces me as “the lady I live with”

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u/haleyhurricane Aug 18 '22

My college boyfriend introduced me to his MOTHER that way. Imagine how that went 😂

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u/dontw0rray Aug 18 '22

I'm getting married in October and I can't wait to do this

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u/hedgecore77 Aug 18 '22

Eventually your own sense of humour becomes more important than the grief you get for using it.

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u/amateurrocketeer Aug 18 '22

This is why having kids is so great. You can make the final leap from husband humour to dad jokes

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u/TootsNYC Aug 18 '22

My dad carried a picture of my mom in costume for a melodrama in which she played a chorus girl—long, wavy wig; heavy makeup.

Someone saw it and asked who it was. “Oh, that’s my oldest son’s mother.”

And also his 3 younger kids’—all of theirs, in fact. He just didn’t say that.

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u/coachlasso Aug 18 '22

I recently admitted to my wife that I had sex with my kids’ former teacher… My wife homeschooled the kids last year.

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u/MilitaryFish Aug 18 '22

LMAO holy shit that's hilarious

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u/---RF--- Aug 18 '22

A family friend does this. He and his ex-gf are married for 48 years.

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u/permanaj Aug 18 '22 Wholesome

This makes me remember about news where a wife stab the husband when she finds her husband has a picture with a beautiful lady. Turn out it was photo of her some years ago.

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u/PseudoTaken Aug 18 '22

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u/EddoWagt Aug 18 '22

I'm just gonna assume they're not together anymore though

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u/Noobdm04 Aug 18 '22

My wife's dad had his eye stabbed out with a broken broom handle by a woman and they stayed together until she got tired of taking care of him.

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u/EddoWagt Aug 18 '22

What the hell, why?

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u/Noobdm04 Aug 18 '22

Toxic relationship between two alcoholic drug abusers. He was stabbed several times,beaten and lost an eyeball but was never her fault because she was drunk and or high.

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u/CorporateDroneStrike Aug 18 '22

I’m going to assume they are…

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u/wtype Aug 18 '22

The stabbings will continue until morale improves.

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u/Mozilla_Rawr Aug 18 '22

That's right! And it was an old photo of when she was skinnier iirc? She had forgotten what she used to look like prior to gaining a bit of weight and thought it was another woman.

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u/morostheSophist Aug 18 '22

Watching an old home movie as a kid, I once pointed to my mom on the screen and asked, "WHO'S THAT?"

Thankfully, this is after my mom lost a bunch of weight so it was a weird compliment instead of a horrifying insult. (She was fat in the video, and fit IRL at the time.)

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u/IiteraIIy Aug 18 '22

this is hilariously tragic

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u/Ditzell Aug 18 '22

If you want to get a guinea pig: Please consider getting two. Guinea pigs are very social animals and they hate to be alone.

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u/MaybeSecondBestMan Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22 Wholesome

Holy shit, this is like the r/tifu version of a self-congratulatory LinkedIn post.

“Today I found a résumé on my boss’ desk. He was in the break room and since we are a transparent company, I decided to look it over. I was shocked. The candidate would be a perfect fit for the job I’ve long wanted. I was crushed. Her qualifications were amazing, she was practically a perfect candidate—but I wondered, how could he pass me over for this opportunity?

I put on my big girl pants, wiped my tears, and stormed into the break room. I ripped open the door, revealing this idiot’s (albeit sharply dressed in business casual) body. He, though quite startled, raised his eyebrows and smirked. “Looking to go to lunch?” He said. Wrong move buddy.

I go off. You know, like a Digital Marketing Associate.

He denies it. You know, like a Senior Director of Global Sales.

I snatch the résumé back from him, withholding his coffee, and start reading it out loud in my best quarterly presentation to the shareholders voice. I notice for the first time, inconveniently so, that she went to the University of Central Florida. I think, “Aw hell, I went to the University of Central Florida.” Then I remember… I have seen this résumé before.

Then I realize. She is me.

The résumé was mine. I forgot I gave it to him to look over for my promotion.

Now we sit, both recently having dined at T.G.I. Friday’s, debating whether or not he should fire Glen in digital media for underperforming last quarter. He is so relieved. We are crazy, stupid, and so in love with this company. #knowyourworth”

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u/taveryri Aug 18 '22

This was awesome.

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u/MaybeSecondBestMan Aug 18 '22

Lmao thank you. This post is the most saccharine, over-dramatized thing I’ve ever read. It has to be satire. I’m in love with it.

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u/taveryri Aug 18 '22

This could literally be a new sub Reddit where people post screen shots of a story or type out a story and other people try to twist the story but make it coherent. Like when people post the photoshop request thing and people just do whatever they want in photoshop to the requested picture. But with words instead lol.

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u/MaybeSecondBestMan Aug 18 '22

I’m absolutely on board with that.

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u/TheGrimalicious Aug 18 '22

This creative writing shit has got to go.

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u/whatissevenbysix Aug 18 '22

Hasn't given a lot of thought into the plot too. How did you receive two NEW DMs from an account that was deleted a year ago?

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u/halex373 Aug 18 '22

“Wrong move buddy” like for real are you 12 ???

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u/gmastern Aug 18 '22

Also his “albeit glorious body”. ridiculous

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u/No_Personality_6141 Aug 18 '22

I put on my big girl pants, wipe my tears, and storm into the bathroom. Rip open the shower curtain, revealing this idiot's (albeit glorious) naked body. He, though quite startled, raises his eyebrows and smirks. "Looking to join?" He says. Wrong move buddy.

I'm not reading past that

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u/kfarber09 Aug 18 '22

Homegirl thought she was still on Wattpad.

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u/TheMrFoulds Aug 18 '22

I had a rough day and my fiancé's algorithms are top notch, so I was scrolling through his apps to entertain myself hoping for a pick me up.

Bull

He went to take a shower. I opened his Instagram (got bored with Reddit, so sorry)

Shit

and noticed he had a couple new dms.

"noticed"

We don't snoop through each other's phones

Your actions have determined that was a lie.

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u/DizyShadow Aug 18 '22

"couple new dms"

"I deleted social media a year ago"

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u/Erander Aug 18 '22

r/aita and answer is yes

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u/BostonDrivingIsWorse Aug 18 '22

To be fair, she did post this on TIFU.

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u/mr_rocket_raccoon Aug 18 '22 Duck Dance

Yeah that happened....

You didn't recognise any pictures of yourself from a year or two back?

This is bad fan fiction..

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u/clubberin Aug 18 '22

Also why were year old messages marked as new?

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u/stihoplet Aug 18 '22

He stopped paying attention to what she says years ago

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u/KingToxyn Aug 18 '22

Instagram is broken with messages from deleted accounts, it says new half the time you check, at least it does for me

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u/zidey Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22 All-Seeing Upvote Narwhal Salute

Am i being blind or was their literally zero mention of you apologising and making it up to him?

Edit: as stated by someone else, using sex as a way of an apology is not healthy...

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u/Hippomaster1234 Aug 18 '22 Silver All-Seeing Upvote

Yeah that's what I'm mostly concerned about. I can sort of understand the "in the moment" reaction to believing you're being cheated on, especially if this is a one-off sort of incident and isn't indicative of OP's overall character, which I don't have enough information to determine. I'm curious if reddit would still be criticizing OP's behavior as heavily as they are if the bf actually was cheating.

However the aftermath of this incident went unexplained and is extremely important. If you flip the fuck out on someone like this and it turns out just to be a product of a mistake you made, especially after snooping on their phone in an apparently "non snooping trusting relationship" then yeah you have some serious apologizing to do.

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u/JoFlo520 Aug 18 '22

“He is so relieved” hell no you should be relieved yourself that he isn’t way more upset that you falsely accused him of cheating because, based on the evidence, you wouldn’t let this go over so well had to roles been reversed.

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u/TheGlassCat Aug 18 '22

Perhaps the author felt that part of the story detracted from the overall pithiness of the story.

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u/RTrent6 Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

Accountability? What's that?

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u/TikiMonn Aug 18 '22

Yeah, and why is he relieved? Shouldn't she be the one relieved? She's the one that fucked up and snooped, he did nothing wrong

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u/Bladesleeper Aug 18 '22

I've been in the chap's shoes and I can tell you, the feeling of having done something wrong without having the faintest clue about wtf actually happened is a scary one. I can fully understand his relief. I also expect him to get a tad pissed off after the dust has settled, but perhaps he's a better man than me.

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u/Xirenec_ Aug 18 '22

WHAT DID I DO? I DON'T REMEMBER IT!? WHAT IF IT'S TRUE - our monke brain

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u/LittleWhiteGirl Aug 18 '22

The same way many people suddenly worry they have drugs on their bag when they go through TSA even though they don’t even own drugs, or like they’ll be caught for shoplifting if they leave a store without buying anything.

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u/Xirenec_ Aug 18 '22

they’ll be caught for shoplifting if they leave a store without buying anything.

Oh yes, that's the worst.
Brain "Don't looks suspicious, you're leaving store without anything because you didn't find what you were looking for and they might think we stole something and us to show our bag. I don't want that"

Then you proceed to power-walk out of the store, and guard still doesn't care

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u/Foggl3 Aug 18 '22

"We need to talk"

tf, about what, what did I do

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22 Helpful All-Seeing Upvote Table Slap

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u/NixyPix Aug 18 '22

Honestly, even the writing style gives that off. This is someone who thinks they’re entertaining and cute, but is actually just an awful partner.

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u/kelsobjammin Aug 18 '22

HAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahaHAHAHA I am such an asshole hahaha tifu, but hey at least he is a keeper! I didn’t believe him the whole time until I recognized a picture of a rodent instead of my damn self…. This has to be made up OR she is batshit crazy.

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u/wheatgrass_feetgrass Aug 18 '22

"If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my less worst" energy.

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u/CPCivil Aug 18 '22

No offense, but you handled that terribly. I would be sweating and looking for a way out after a debacle like that.

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u/MsChrissikins Aug 18 '22

“We don’t snoop”

Proceeds to snoop

Jesus… the lingerie didn’t give it away? If these were a year+ prior… without actual cheating? You’re a walking 🚩

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u/JJJetplane8411 Aug 18 '22

"I clicked on his messages because they might be important" LOL. You can just admit you wanted to snoop his messages.

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u/geven87 Aug 18 '22

"You know how when your father dies and your mother tries to contact you via Instagram DM ONLY? It could have been an EMERGENCY"

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u/PersonBehindAScreen Aug 18 '22

On god. You know what I do when my wife has messages?

“Hey you have messages in (app)” and go back to what I was doing and leave the messages alone

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u/smolperson Aug 18 '22

Ya the point of algorithms on social media is that they’re suited to your interests. Checking someone else’s phone because ‘their algorithms are top notch’ is not a good reason…

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u/PPLifter Aug 18 '22

"I was on your phone because you get better memes"

2022 man

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u/phlegming11 Aug 18 '22

What I don’t get is how would his insta algorithm be so good if he literally never uses it?

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u/PPLifter Aug 18 '22

Same reason the only reason I was on pornhub was because it has better cooking recipes

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u/aybbyisok Aug 18 '22

You can fuck them up and have shit you might not be any longer interested in show up, my feed on youtube was dogshit for a long time, now it tailors to what I watch way more.

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u/killedjoy Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22 Silver

I won’t be as harsh as some of these other people, but I think you need to accept that you were indeed snooping and you might have an impulsive personality that you need to work on. You should have waited until you calmed a bit to confront him. The way you did was immature, not big girl status. It’s not the end of the world, and I’m happy for you two to be able to move on so quickly from that. Edit: OP, I’m sorry for “diagnosing” you with anything. This was wrong of me. All things considered, I hope my words have not hurt you, and if they did, I’m sorry. Live your life and you do you.

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u/smoked_dick_biscuit Aug 18 '22

The edits do clear some stuff up. As a creative writing exercise and journal type pov, if she knows she overreacted in the moment, that’s not too awful.

Not enough info to armchair diagnose anything….. reddits crazy

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u/Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx Aug 18 '22

Not enough info to armchair diagnose anything….. reddits crazy

There never is. We get the tiniest slice of information in posts like this. We get one side of the story and lots of missing details. Reddit is crazy. And reddit should NEVER diagnose or jump to conclusions, but as a whole it always does. "we did it, reddit" doesn't necessarily have a good connotation...

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u/Vykrom Aug 18 '22

Hurray for rational empathy

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u/Eggmegmuffin Aug 18 '22

This...doesnt feel very funny.

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u/BlamingBuddha Aug 18 '22

$20 says this is gonna be deleted soon if her boyfriend's reddit algorithms are as good as she says.

This totally didn't go over the way she planned.

And every single comment is yelling "RED FLAG!" on her end.

Tomorrow's headlines "TIFU by reading last night's TIFU and all the comments made me realize how big of a red flag that was"

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u/bad_toe_tattooes Aug 18 '22

This girl can’t be older than 20… what an overreaction.

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u/MrNyroc Aug 18 '22

According to her own posts. 21 😂 very immature

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u/Damneasy Aug 18 '22

21 and getting married while acting like this? Sounds like a divorce case coming up

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u/anovelby Aug 18 '22

You rip open the shower curtain to “go off” on someone naked and vulnerable who trusts you? You’re the dregs.

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u/jemenake Aug 18 '22

Exactly. I was in a relationship with someone who would use this exact tactic (surprise, overwhelming wrath, and self-righteousness) to throw you off balance so that she didn’t have to debate on an level playing field. It was infuriating as all hell, as, once she had stormed off and I regained my composure, I was able to articulate why her point was invalid. That, and it was impossible to relax around her, knowing that she could just decide to go off, without warning.

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u/kelsobjammin Aug 18 '22

Holds the towel hostage…. This story is 100% made up or just stupid

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote Take My Energy Starry

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22

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u/Tratix Aug 18 '22

Silly me 🤪🤪

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u/Affectionate_Math_96 Aug 18 '22 Silver Wholesome

Okay, the happy ending is cute. But your behaviour is scary.

Firstly, I respect my partner far to much to even think about going into his phone. I know the password because he let's me choose music while he is driving, but I can't abuse that privilege and I won't.

I know you were looking for entertainment, but to then overstep and go into his Instagram and check his messages is crazy bad.

Secondly, to then go in there angry and accusing is just not fair. You assumed he was cheating instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. Then you held his towel hostage? Wtf?

In this situation, I probably would have waited until he got out of the shower (assuming I made the first fuck up to violate his privacy) and then apologized for violating his privacy and then I would have given him his phone, told him what I'd seen and then ask him if something was going on.

I have issues, but I go to therapy to ensure I don't behave horribly. Please consider therapy, OP.

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u/resin_cone Aug 18 '22

Guy is definitely thinking about leaving you now though

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u/cpteric Aug 18 '22

you better get this guy a god-damn glorious tiramisu cake or something with the coffee powder spelling "TIFU".

and also, I 100% recommend non-jokingly you talk up with a therapist on trust and impulsivity. It's not healthy for you ( or for the heartbeat cadence of your fiancée ) for either the jumpiness nor the snooping around blindfolded. Honestly - I've never minded at all the behaviour ( nothing to hide + my stuff is your stuff mentality ), so to me it's not a red flag per se, but it shows distrust that you didn't believe him and that you never reached the 1+1=2 "that's my lingerie" conclusion, blinded by the anger.

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u/Mr_Zombay Aug 18 '22

How to ruin your trust in someone forever...i know the dude got reddit...please run the fuck away from that...

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u/Desperate-Meet-8703 Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

When I was in HS my Mom stormed into my room while I was hanging out in my bedroom with my then GF. She gave her the stink eye and asked us if we were having sex. It was hella awkward cuz I don’t think we were at that point. She then pulled out a bright red thong asked “what’s this then”, and told us that if she can’t trust us then she can’t come over anymore. My GF looks at me hurt. I look at her confused. My Mom looks at us like we’re hiding a baby somewhere in my room…

My stepfather enters after hearing my loud denials, Asks my Mom what’s wrong, then pauses and asks her “what are you doing with my underwear?”.

The awkwardness did a 180 at that point lol

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u/AvatarofBro Aug 18 '22

Big yikes. I guess this is probably a good warning sign to respect boundaries and not snoop?

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u/discotim Aug 18 '22

The writing style and the way the story is told is just creepy af

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u/monkelus Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

My wife and I totally trust each other, use each others phones and shit all the time. But never DM’s, texts, messages or anything like that. Hell, I don’t even go in her handbag without prior permission. Why? Even your spouse deserves an element of privacy and notifications are for the receiver. It’s like opening each other’s personal mail.

You may have got your happy ending, but by god I’d be pissed if I was him. Hope you’ve taken this as a learning experience and developed a few personal boundaries

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u/haventsleptforyears Aug 18 '22

When it comes to DM’s I feel it’s also respecting the other party’s privacy. When I’m texting my friend personal shit I don’t want their spouse reading it. Also, with that said, I kinda always assume they’re going to tell their significant other so try not to reveal where the bodies are hidden

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