you can't see it, but I'm firing finger pistols right now

I like Tad

Hey Mama, hey Mama, look around

Got fall-down drunk at 3 of my 4 siblings' weddings

I have that lipstick too!! Where is it even from 😂

What an unstoppable force they'd be on skis in the Middle East in September

Goddammit Mr Noodle!

Giselle's pussoir is a metaphor for big corporations and how they suffocate (lol) technological advances that would make life more accessible at a cheaper cost to the consumer.

Confirmed: Belinda Blinked is a commentary on 21st century socialism. It's a modern day Animal Farm.

Cauliflower can honestly go fuck itself

I call that one Old Greg

"Listen to body language, not words"

If only you weren't TERRIBLE at understanding body language

My girl is 2 now and the vet picked up the murmur at her first visit. Healthy as horse so far, but we still do checkups.

Drake is also really friendly with a lot of underage girls

Worked great for John Allen Chau

"Papa, may I have a penny for a lollipop?"

Fetambert sounds like an old timey little lad in a sailor suit

You mean I'll be able to have nails AND a ring? What a time to be alive

Not to mention that illegal immigrants are being forcibly sterilized at the border "camps" and they have nothing to say about it

"The Most Beautiful Suicide"

You have a canopy bed with curtains, but have you considered paying $5 for a canopy bed with *no curtains*

If just one vaguely arab-looking person walked into the room right now he would piss his pants

Seems like more of a colonolnutty thing..

A WEEK?? I practically scoop it before it's out of my cat's ass.

Would you pronounce it Raid? Like today's sponsor, RAID: Shadow Legends!

In third grade everyone called this kid Jason Basin until he got so upset he left the school