Even thinking about ASD as a possibility for me is a very new thing, so I don’t know with any certainty I fall here, but learning about “high-functioning” autism as being “successfully masked” has made me seriously begin exploring this. Psychiatrists were hesitant early on to entertain any discussions (edit: of any neurodivergence) because I’d been so successful in school and career, even though I was always dying inside feeling like an imposter in society and not knowing who I am and why every interaction feels so difficult and requires so much effort. Why does just existing feel so deeply uncomfortable?

I wrote off the idea of high-functioning ASD because I certainly didn’t feel high-functioning, despite my successes, because of the feeling of claustrophobia in my own skin. I wrote off any other higher needs because I didn’t have those needs and I’d exhausted a lot of time and effort to not need those supports… Which in hindsight, is probably not typical.

Neurodivergence is so often defined by the ability to fit in and avoid disrupting typical society and norms. I wasn’t depressed enough because I went into work enough days. I wasn’t ADHD enough because I wasn’t disrupting other people’s lives and breaking social rules and got good grades. I wasn’t autistic enough because I learned to to navigate social situations (read: only engaged in social situations where I’m in a position of control or known mutual interest).

“High-functioning” for whom?

Anyways again, I’m new to even remotely considering autism for me, so I apologize if this is wholely unrelated and unrelatable, but whatever flavour my brain is, it tastes a lot worse than it smells (only figuratively… As far as I know).

Pretty much.

I spend my workweek masking, so when I get home to my family I’m too socially exhausted to do much more than repetitive behaviors, and socializing, even with family, is grating. I feel like I can breathe when I’m alone and not feeling watched/observed/perceived, but I still need time to let my hackles drop. It makes laundry, cleaning, preparing meals, shopping, running errands, scheduling, etc., so fucking hard to do, and it’s like I have a limited amount of attention/energy to devote to things, regardless of how much time I have. There are days when I get weeks worth or work done and months when I struggle to tread water.

The one bright light is that there are family members who don’t understand, but are patient, and ones who DO and I’m getting more comfortable saying “I don’t hate you, I love you, I just can’t stand you right now and I don’t want to snap at you to get you away from me, so please let me be”.

It was easier to balance when I had a more solitary job but… I couldn’t live on that money for long, so… :/