So many things to unpack here. (but to say it, yes please send me that guide for tinder. I am curious)
Firstly in terms of Night game/cold approach. I am not doing it anymore. This is what I have done for years and I had no success. The sheer amount of bad experiences and 100% lack of success is not going to bode well for me there. Also I am in my 40s now. I was even too old for many nightclubs (who often have people barely out of high school in Canada, since the drinking age is 18) when I came to Canada at 23. They are simply too loud and I am not doing it.
Also the city where I live in is not good for cold approach. It just isn’t. I have no other way to put it. I did have some people who told me that walking up to completely strangers in cafes and bars will never be confident, because only the loneliest and most desperate of people do that regardless of how they hold themselves and present themselves. I don’t fully agree, but like I said… when I was doing this, I spent more than a full year of doing that on a regular basis and I had precisely zero dates and no calls/txts returned. This isn’t going to work. I am not being dramatic, I am being very pragmatic.
I never had any issue walking up to strangers and talking to them. That was never my problem to begin with. This is why I am VERY hesitant to take a lot of PUA stuff seriously anymore. For example, many PUAs, including the ‘originals’ such as Mystery, projected their own issues as if they were universal. Like approach anxiety is a thing… it does happen… but it is not universal. I have no approach anxiety, I never did (I actually gained some just because I read about it for a while though!) but Mystery? He has a tick where he really does feel that he cannot talk to a girl if he waits for longer than 3 seconds upon spotting her. That isn’t universal, that’s just him.
As for social circle? I really don’t have one. I never did. I am extremely solitary individual and I kinda like it that way. I’m sorry about that, but the few people I do know are far, far more autistic than I am (if a hot chick met them, she’d probably run like crazy away!), and even then, I don’t see them as often as I used to. My solitary nature is in far more due to the experiences I had growing up in Dubai where I was very isolated due to a variety of factors beyond my control. When I came to Canada I had a lot of traumatic experiences while I was in university that caused me to recede back into solitude in order to try to heal. By the time I felt like I could go out I had already graduated and some anxiety issues related to phobias started to flare up that made it impossible for me to be able to socialize properly or correctly. Again, I am a MASSIVE introvert. If I am going to build a new social circle, I need to be extremely picky who I hang out with. This is because the last time I did it the people I was with were such losers that I really don’t want to waste any more time on anyone who isn’t up to snuff. This isn’t arrogance, this is me looking out for myself. I will not force myself to stay in a place where I don’t feel like I am benefiting from, or putting in a lot more than I am receiving.
You said that tinder was a few months effort that was built on 15 years of lifestyle? I’m sorry to say, but I need to fake that lifestyle since I really don’t have 15 years to build up to it. Like I said, getting laid/into a relationship cannot be THAT hard. There are people who are broke, have criminal records, and are ugly, and yet still have a partner. I am none of those things, but I also really cannot make that many massive changes to my life. I am heading back to the gym and working out a lot, but that is also taking up a lot of time, and I do need some ‘me’ time. I am planning on going out on hiking/walking trips and yoga and other stuff from meetup.com, and there are a TON of groups there so much that I would be stupid to waste any time on going out to loud nightclubs filled with drunk loud idiots. Also like I said, I am 41. While meeting younger girls is something I would be open to, clubs are NOT the way to do it. This is double in the fact that I will be going alone. Going alone to a nightclub is already a red flag at any age. Even if I woke up the next morning and I was 20 again, the fact that I don’t have a group to be with will not make me look good in a club.
(or maybe I am mishearing you. If you are saying you got healthier and more confident than I am mostly on point. Like I said, I am losing the COVID weight right now. It’ll take a few months, and maybe even until the end of the year, but it is going to happen. For clothes? Yeah I can get better stuff, but I need guides on how to dress up properly and take good pictures, since those are the critical factors. Also my previous experiences and what I learned were critical in abandoning a lot of toxicity that was around me at the time.)
And the introversion is why SC was never an option for me. Like I said, I am immigrant to the country I came into, and even though I tried to build a social circle, other factors and my (then) undiagnosed anxiety disorder and autism only left me quite cold with a lot of people. Just having no approach anxiety is not an antidote to it. I need to meet people cold, yes, but I cannot waste any time. Walking up to people in the street, in a club, in a library, or whatever is not going to work, or not going to work quickly enough for me. Going to a brunch or any group that is SPECIFICALLY for people to talk to one another and possibly hit it off or socialize further afterward is the only way I am willing to go for right now. I met that girlfriend of mine that way. I don’t know if it’ll be as quick as that time, but it is much better than going to a dance class that is 90% male and the only girl there is already married.
I will read inner game of Tennis and I am already looking at Models. I actually did download that book (or not?) and it appears to be the 2011/2013 version, so the post-PUA stuff? It is looking good so far, but I need real professional help (hence why I am going to a sex therapist) and I will not waste my time on PUA crap. I want to actually get my life together in terms of dating. I know I am a solitary individual, but I will be held back by it or accept that it will be the death of any sex life. That is bullshit.
But because their product is illegal, they are always going to be mixed in with seedy crooks. So try to think of “PUA” stuff as more of an ecosystem than a monolith. There are some people giving really terrible advice. Some people who have some good tips mixed in with their toxic bullshit. And a few people, often hidden, who have a lot of really good, solid advice that can help you.
That is the problem. At the time I started in it, I had no fucking idea what was what, and the toxicity of both the material AND the people I met in it (like I said, I was cyberbullied and cyberstalked by them for YEARS). I know that I am far from the only guy who had issues with dating, but I still feel like my situation was far worse than other people. Like I haven’t heard of anyone getting that much opposition to dating than I have, from either family or other people in pick up, who frequently just insulted me and did everything they could to break me down and waste my time.
On the topic of NG/CA, I think your concerns and experiences are 100% valid. Like I said, I think it is pushed way to hard as “the way to meet girls”, when actual success rates are rock bottom. I think you are holding on to some limiting beliefs on this front, but at the same time, I don’t think they are worth addressing at the moment. You’d do much better focusing on SC and OLD. If you wanna try to pick up girls in the club - at any age - I think it is possible and I think you have a shot if you put the work in. But it’s inefficient and there are easier ways to meet girls that won’t fuck up your circadian rhythm. It sounds like you don’t wanna do that, so good! Don’t do that. Same with CA.
Also, you hit the nail on the head with how dating advice is doled out. It is at once extremely generalizable and extremely specific to the individual.
On the other hand, you say you lack a good social circle, and in my opinion, that will be a big hurdle you will have trouble avoiding. I would like to gently recommend that you consider that you might not be as introverted as you think you are, but that you feel introverted because of your social anxiety. That your social battery doesn’t run low just because that is the way you are, but because it is draining to feel anxious and to hide yourself and to feel like you will be judged and rejected in social situations. This isn’t to say that you need to spend every minute of every day out meeting with people - but you seem you almost seem committed to not being social. And the reality is… women want to date guys who have friends. They want to date guys who have a good social support system outside of them, so they don’t become the guy’s emotional dumping ground. The friends you have and your ability to make new friends has a huge impact on where you will be able to go in life, your success in your career, your ability to take care of yourself, etc. Humans are social animals, and not being social at all is going to be a big red flag to a lot of women.
I 100% support you seeing a sex therapist. Professionals exist for a reason. I wouldn’t depend on your therapist to solve all your problems - you have to be the captain of your own ship - but therapy definitely sounds like a piece of the puzzle for you.
As far as the 15 years spent on lifestyle - I think you can do it faster. What those years were spent on were overcoming social anxiety, building a community of supportive friends, establishing habits around diet and exercise, getting my career to the place where I didn’t hate my job, finding hobbies I enjoyed and getting good at them, and then also a lot of pointless floundering. I got myself from being completely isolated, hopeless, and depressed, to being hopeful and somewhat happy, with communities based around things that I found personally meaningful. Ie, I created a life that some women would find interesting and want to be part of. So when I actually buckled down and made a tinder profile, I was already pretty fit and had cool hobbies to show off and a good lifestyle to talk about.
In terms of meeting people and stuff, this is one problem: I kinda had to ditch many old ‘friends’ because they weren’t really friends. I barely knew them and the one girl I did date did ask me why I was hanging out with those people when they clearly didn’t give a fuck about me. What happened at that time is that I did some drinking prior to going to that event with them, and while it was far from my first time drinking, the alcohol hit me really hard for some reason and I wasn’t looking and feeling good. Despite being visibly unwell, no one asked me if I was doing OK or even had any visible reaction to me. This did not sit well with her at all.
And yes, that ‘circle’ of mine was very offputting for her and she did mention to me that I didn’t seem to have any friends. The thing is… I wasn’t really aware of it at that time. Like I said, I had one HELL of an abusive upbringing that I wasn’t even aware of just how abusive it was until well after the time it was gone.
This isn’t to say I cannot build a social circle or a better life. I think I absolutely can. But here’s the thing: I have a lifetime of doing things solo and I am quite comfortable with that. Also I do have a lot of support at my job. I work at a place specifically made for people with disabilities to accommodate them. I had really hard times making friends in the past and I didn’t really know what being friends was with people. I got taken advantage of too much by some individuals and that really got me wary of a lot of shit.
I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of it has to involve (early on… as early as possible actually) to get a girlfriend. I always keep a small circle of friends when I do have them and I would rather keep it that way. I am picky about that for a reason. I want to convey that, no I will not be using her as an emotional dumping ground. That’s just not style. It never was.
I mean, I think the problem you are talking about is actually a solution. You ditched a bunch of people who were your “friends”, but who didn’t actually care about you. Good! That’s what you should do! Building a good social circle isn’t about being friends with literally everyone, and it isn’t about staying friends with people who don’t value you - it is about finding the people who value you for who you are, and who actually give a shit about you.
Your abusive upbringing, your experience having bad friends - I don’t wanna say that shit doesn’t suck. But my advice here is to look for the lesson that you can learn. I’m not religious, and “everything happens for a reason” doesn’t resonate for me - but I do believe that in every painful human experience, there is an opportunity for growth and learning if you look for it. So with your shitty friends, you learned something about how you don’t like to be treated. You learned about some personal standards you will hold future friends to. Same with every other time you got taken advantage of - you learned what shitty people do, how they manipulate you, what warning signs to look out for. Every time you have a shit experience, you learn more and more about how to identify the assholes so you can filter them out of your life quickly and efficiently.
The fact that you are comfortable doing things solo is great. Being able to feel good and get shit done on your own is a foundation of living well. But at the same time, I wouldn’t use it as an excuse to retreat from social life. However far you can go solo, whatever you can accomplish, however good you can feel, I guarantee that you’ll be able to go farther and get there faster, with less effort, with friends - good friends.
I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of it has to involve (early on… as early as possible actually) to get a girlfriend.
This is an awesome goal, and I 100% support you. However, I recommend you reframe this to “I want to rebuild my life, and part of it is becoming the type of man who is confident in his ability to get a girlfriend.” Because when your goal is just “get a girlfriend”, you can end up with someone who isn’t a good match for you just because that was your goal. And if you don’t feel confident that you can get another girlfriend, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking “well, she’s good enough, it’s not like I could do any better” or “I don’t like it when she does that, but I better not say anything or she’ll leave.”
I always keep a small circle of friends when I do have them and I would rather keep it that way. I am picky about that for a reason.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a small circle of close friends. I’m not recommending, like, trying to get 100k followers on IG and calling them all friends or some shit. But the “when I do have them” part is concerning. If you only have 3 people you consider friends, but none of them are that close and you periodically lose them, then you have a very shaky social support system. What you should aim for is having a small circle of really close, really supportive friends who you are fairly certain will not ditch you. But no one just shows up in your life and immediately becomes a close confidant - you meet acquaintances, then those acquaintances become loose friends, then regular friends, then close friends. At each stage, most people in each level will not make it to the next level for whatever reason. Meanwhile, your small circle of close friends will often shrink for one reason or another - hopefully for good reasons, like a friend getting their dream job on the other side of the country. But that means in order to maintain your strong social support system, you need to always be feeding your friendship pipeline. If this sounds Machiavellian, I can assure you that in practice, it isn’t. It just looks like doing things like what you are already doing, like going to meetups, meeting new people, spending more time with people you like, not spending time with those you don’t, and becoming comfortable opening up emotionally to the people you like the most.
I want to convey that, no I will not be using her as an emotional dumping ground. That’s just not style. It never was.
I will say that if you have never used a girlfriend as an emotional dumpster, then you probably will soon. It’s kind of just an inevitable part of the process of becoming a more dateable man. You have a bunch of pent up shit, and then you end up finally feeling close enough to someone to open up, and then it ALL comes out. Therapy can be helpful, but isn’t really the same as dumping all your shit on someone you know. I’ll also say that if you aren’t talking to people in your life about your worst shit, you aren’t really making the progress towards emotional openness that you need to form good relationships long term. Your eventual goal should be to have a solid group of friends you can talk about your deep shit with, plus a therapist, plus a girlfriend. That’s called redundancy.
So many things to unpack here. (but to say it, yes please send me that guide for tinder. I am curious)
Firstly in terms of Night game/cold approach. I am not doing it anymore. This is what I have done for years and I had no success. The sheer amount of bad experiences and 100% lack of success is not going to bode well for me there. Also I am in my 40s now. I was even too old for many nightclubs (who often have people barely out of high school in Canada, since the drinking age is 18) when I came to Canada at 23. They are simply too loud and I am not doing it.
Also the city where I live in is not good for cold approach. It just isn’t. I have no other way to put it. I did have some people who told me that walking up to completely strangers in cafes and bars will never be confident, because only the loneliest and most desperate of people do that regardless of how they hold themselves and present themselves. I don’t fully agree, but like I said… when I was doing this, I spent more than a full year of doing that on a regular basis and I had precisely zero dates and no calls/txts returned. This isn’t going to work. I am not being dramatic, I am being very pragmatic.
I never had any issue walking up to strangers and talking to them. That was never my problem to begin with. This is why I am VERY hesitant to take a lot of PUA stuff seriously anymore. For example, many PUAs, including the ‘originals’ such as Mystery, projected their own issues as if they were universal. Like approach anxiety is a thing… it does happen… but it is not universal. I have no approach anxiety, I never did (I actually gained some just because I read about it for a while though!) but Mystery? He has a tick where he really does feel that he cannot talk to a girl if he waits for longer than 3 seconds upon spotting her. That isn’t universal, that’s just him.
As for social circle? I really don’t have one. I never did. I am extremely solitary individual and I kinda like it that way. I’m sorry about that, but the few people I do know are far, far more autistic than I am (if a hot chick met them, she’d probably run like crazy away!), and even then, I don’t see them as often as I used to. My solitary nature is in far more due to the experiences I had growing up in Dubai where I was very isolated due to a variety of factors beyond my control. When I came to Canada I had a lot of traumatic experiences while I was in university that caused me to recede back into solitude in order to try to heal. By the time I felt like I could go out I had already graduated and some anxiety issues related to phobias started to flare up that made it impossible for me to be able to socialize properly or correctly. Again, I am a MASSIVE introvert. If I am going to build a new social circle, I need to be extremely picky who I hang out with. This is because the last time I did it the people I was with were such losers that I really don’t want to waste any more time on anyone who isn’t up to snuff. This isn’t arrogance, this is me looking out for myself. I will not force myself to stay in a place where I don’t feel like I am benefiting from, or putting in a lot more than I am receiving.
You said that tinder was a few months effort that was built on 15 years of lifestyle? I’m sorry to say, but I need to fake that lifestyle since I really don’t have 15 years to build up to it. Like I said, getting laid/into a relationship cannot be THAT hard. There are people who are broke, have criminal records, and are ugly, and yet still have a partner. I am none of those things, but I also really cannot make that many massive changes to my life. I am heading back to the gym and working out a lot, but that is also taking up a lot of time, and I do need some ‘me’ time. I am planning on going out on hiking/walking trips and yoga and other stuff from meetup.com, and there are a TON of groups there so much that I would be stupid to waste any time on going out to loud nightclubs filled with drunk loud idiots. Also like I said, I am 41. While meeting younger girls is something I would be open to, clubs are NOT the way to do it. This is double in the fact that I will be going alone. Going alone to a nightclub is already a red flag at any age. Even if I woke up the next morning and I was 20 again, the fact that I don’t have a group to be with will not make me look good in a club.
(or maybe I am mishearing you. If you are saying you got healthier and more confident than I am mostly on point. Like I said, I am losing the COVID weight right now. It’ll take a few months, and maybe even until the end of the year, but it is going to happen. For clothes? Yeah I can get better stuff, but I need guides on how to dress up properly and take good pictures, since those are the critical factors. Also my previous experiences and what I learned were critical in abandoning a lot of toxicity that was around me at the time.)
And the introversion is why SC was never an option for me. Like I said, I am immigrant to the country I came into, and even though I tried to build a social circle, other factors and my (then) undiagnosed anxiety disorder and autism only left me quite cold with a lot of people. Just having no approach anxiety is not an antidote to it. I need to meet people cold, yes, but I cannot waste any time. Walking up to people in the street, in a club, in a library, or whatever is not going to work, or not going to work quickly enough for me. Going to a brunch or any group that is SPECIFICALLY for people to talk to one another and possibly hit it off or socialize further afterward is the only way I am willing to go for right now. I met that girlfriend of mine that way. I don’t know if it’ll be as quick as that time, but it is much better than going to a dance class that is 90% male and the only girl there is already married.
I will read inner game of Tennis and I am already looking at Models. I actually did download that book (or not?) and it appears to be the 2011/2013 version, so the post-PUA stuff? It is looking good so far, but I need real professional help (hence why I am going to a sex therapist) and I will not waste my time on PUA crap. I want to actually get my life together in terms of dating. I know I am a solitary individual, but I will be held back by it or accept that it will be the death of any sex life. That is bullshit.
That is the problem. At the time I started in it, I had no fucking idea what was what, and the toxicity of both the material AND the people I met in it (like I said, I was cyberbullied and cyberstalked by them for YEARS). I know that I am far from the only guy who had issues with dating, but I still feel like my situation was far worse than other people. Like I haven’t heard of anyone getting that much opposition to dating than I have, from either family or other people in pick up, who frequently just insulted me and did everything they could to break me down and waste my time.
On the topic of NG/CA, I think your concerns and experiences are 100% valid. Like I said, I think it is pushed way to hard as “the way to meet girls”, when actual success rates are rock bottom. I think you are holding on to some limiting beliefs on this front, but at the same time, I don’t think they are worth addressing at the moment. You’d do much better focusing on SC and OLD. If you wanna try to pick up girls in the club - at any age - I think it is possible and I think you have a shot if you put the work in. But it’s inefficient and there are easier ways to meet girls that won’t fuck up your circadian rhythm. It sounds like you don’t wanna do that, so good! Don’t do that. Same with CA.
Also, you hit the nail on the head with how dating advice is doled out. It is at once extremely generalizable and extremely specific to the individual.
On the other hand, you say you lack a good social circle, and in my opinion, that will be a big hurdle you will have trouble avoiding. I would like to gently recommend that you consider that you might not be as introverted as you think you are, but that you feel introverted because of your social anxiety. That your social battery doesn’t run low just because that is the way you are, but because it is draining to feel anxious and to hide yourself and to feel like you will be judged and rejected in social situations. This isn’t to say that you need to spend every minute of every day out meeting with people - but you seem you almost seem committed to not being social. And the reality is… women want to date guys who have friends. They want to date guys who have a good social support system outside of them, so they don’t become the guy’s emotional dumping ground. The friends you have and your ability to make new friends has a huge impact on where you will be able to go in life, your success in your career, your ability to take care of yourself, etc. Humans are social animals, and not being social at all is going to be a big red flag to a lot of women.
I 100% support you seeing a sex therapist. Professionals exist for a reason. I wouldn’t depend on your therapist to solve all your problems - you have to be the captain of your own ship - but therapy definitely sounds like a piece of the puzzle for you.
As far as the 15 years spent on lifestyle - I think you can do it faster. What those years were spent on were overcoming social anxiety, building a community of supportive friends, establishing habits around diet and exercise, getting my career to the place where I didn’t hate my job, finding hobbies I enjoyed and getting good at them, and then also a lot of pointless floundering. I got myself from being completely isolated, hopeless, and depressed, to being hopeful and somewhat happy, with communities based around things that I found personally meaningful. Ie, I created a life that some women would find interesting and want to be part of. So when I actually buckled down and made a tinder profile, I was already pretty fit and had cool hobbies to show off and a good lifestyle to talk about.
I’ll dm you the tinder guide.
In terms of meeting people and stuff, this is one problem: I kinda had to ditch many old ‘friends’ because they weren’t really friends. I barely knew them and the one girl I did date did ask me why I was hanging out with those people when they clearly didn’t give a fuck about me. What happened at that time is that I did some drinking prior to going to that event with them, and while it was far from my first time drinking, the alcohol hit me really hard for some reason and I wasn’t looking and feeling good. Despite being visibly unwell, no one asked me if I was doing OK or even had any visible reaction to me. This did not sit well with her at all.
And yes, that ‘circle’ of mine was very offputting for her and she did mention to me that I didn’t seem to have any friends. The thing is… I wasn’t really aware of it at that time. Like I said, I had one HELL of an abusive upbringing that I wasn’t even aware of just how abusive it was until well after the time it was gone.
This isn’t to say I cannot build a social circle or a better life. I think I absolutely can. But here’s the thing: I have a lifetime of doing things solo and I am quite comfortable with that. Also I do have a lot of support at my job. I work at a place specifically made for people with disabilities to accommodate them. I had really hard times making friends in the past and I didn’t really know what being friends was with people. I got taken advantage of too much by some individuals and that really got me wary of a lot of shit.
I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of it has to involve (early on… as early as possible actually) to get a girlfriend. I always keep a small circle of friends when I do have them and I would rather keep it that way. I am picky about that for a reason. I want to convey that, no I will not be using her as an emotional dumping ground. That’s just not style. It never was.
I mean, I think the problem you are talking about is actually a solution. You ditched a bunch of people who were your “friends”, but who didn’t actually care about you. Good! That’s what you should do! Building a good social circle isn’t about being friends with literally everyone, and it isn’t about staying friends with people who don’t value you - it is about finding the people who value you for who you are, and who actually give a shit about you.
Your abusive upbringing, your experience having bad friends - I don’t wanna say that shit doesn’t suck. But my advice here is to look for the lesson that you can learn. I’m not religious, and “everything happens for a reason” doesn’t resonate for me - but I do believe that in every painful human experience, there is an opportunity for growth and learning if you look for it. So with your shitty friends, you learned something about how you don’t like to be treated. You learned about some personal standards you will hold future friends to. Same with every other time you got taken advantage of - you learned what shitty people do, how they manipulate you, what warning signs to look out for. Every time you have a shit experience, you learn more and more about how to identify the assholes so you can filter them out of your life quickly and efficiently.
The fact that you are comfortable doing things solo is great. Being able to feel good and get shit done on your own is a foundation of living well. But at the same time, I wouldn’t use it as an excuse to retreat from social life. However far you can go solo, whatever you can accomplish, however good you can feel, I guarantee that you’ll be able to go farther and get there faster, with less effort, with friends - good friends.
This is an awesome goal, and I 100% support you. However, I recommend you reframe this to “I want to rebuild my life, and part of it is becoming the type of man who is confident in his ability to get a girlfriend.” Because when your goal is just “get a girlfriend”, you can end up with someone who isn’t a good match for you just because that was your goal. And if you don’t feel confident that you can get another girlfriend, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking “well, she’s good enough, it’s not like I could do any better” or “I don’t like it when she does that, but I better not say anything or she’ll leave.”
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a small circle of close friends. I’m not recommending, like, trying to get 100k followers on IG and calling them all friends or some shit. But the “when I do have them” part is concerning. If you only have 3 people you consider friends, but none of them are that close and you periodically lose them, then you have a very shaky social support system. What you should aim for is having a small circle of really close, really supportive friends who you are fairly certain will not ditch you. But no one just shows up in your life and immediately becomes a close confidant - you meet acquaintances, then those acquaintances become loose friends, then regular friends, then close friends. At each stage, most people in each level will not make it to the next level for whatever reason. Meanwhile, your small circle of close friends will often shrink for one reason or another - hopefully for good reasons, like a friend getting their dream job on the other side of the country. But that means in order to maintain your strong social support system, you need to always be feeding your friendship pipeline. If this sounds Machiavellian, I can assure you that in practice, it isn’t. It just looks like doing things like what you are already doing, like going to meetups, meeting new people, spending more time with people you like, not spending time with those you don’t, and becoming comfortable opening up emotionally to the people you like the most.
I will say that if you have never used a girlfriend as an emotional dumpster, then you probably will soon. It’s kind of just an inevitable part of the process of becoming a more dateable man. You have a bunch of pent up shit, and then you end up finally feeling close enough to someone to open up, and then it ALL comes out. Therapy can be helpful, but isn’t really the same as dumping all your shit on someone you know. I’ll also say that if you aren’t talking to people in your life about your worst shit, you aren’t really making the progress towards emotional openness that you need to form good relationships long term. Your eventual goal should be to have a solid group of friends you can talk about your deep shit with, plus a therapist, plus a girlfriend. That’s called redundancy.