I have fought a grizzly bear,
Tracked a cobra to its lair,
Killed a crocodile who dared to cross my path.
But the thing I really dread
When I’ve just got out of bed
Is to find that there’s a spider in the bath.

I’ve no fear of wasps or bees;
Mosquitoes only tease;
I rather like a cricket on the hearth.
But my blood runs cold to meet,
In pajamas and bare feet,
With a great big hairy spider in the bath!

I have faced a charging bull in Barcelona! I have dragged a mountain lioness from her cub!
I’ve restored a mad gorilla to its owner…
But I don’t dare face that tub!

What a frightful looking beast,
Half an inch across, at least:
It would frighten even Superman or Garth.
There’s contempt it can’t disguise
In those little beady eyes
Of the spider sitting, glowering, in the bath.

It ignores my every lunge
With the backbrush and the sponge.
I have bombed it with a present from Penath.
It just curls into a ball;
Doesn’t seem to mind at all,
And simply goes on squatting in the bath!

For hours we have been locked in endless struggle.
I have lured it to the deep end, by the drain!
At last I think I’ve washed it down the plughole…
But here it comes a-crawling up the chain!

Now it’s time for me to shave,
Though my nerves will not behave,
And there’s bound to be a fearful aftermath.
So before I cut my throat
I will leave this final note:
Driven to it by the spider in the bath!!