I was first called a dyke then bull dyke in elementary school. I had no idea what it meant and the boy who was calling me that was hitting my head from his seat on the bus behind me. So I grabbed his backpack and and flipped him over the seat.

All the gay slurs were the most common to use against me. Though I did get called a n- lover a few times as well.

When I was younger I fought back physically and/ or verbally. As I got older I would just question the person on why what they were calling me was a bad thing.

Though I do think my favorite come back for any of the gay slurs when thrown by afab people would be saying: “yeah and trust me, it will never be an issue for you.” While giving them the up and down with a disgusted expression. Seeing the confusion then anger then confusion go across their faces was always amazing. They couldn’t argue with it other wise they would be saying they wanted to be seen as attractive by someone of the same sex.

It would be considered rape if the person accused was a poor, non connected person with no promising future.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I find the line between self harm/ harmful practices and what’s acceptable can get somewhat blurry. Some of it seems like social norms that people have accepted without much critical thought. I know people who like to be beat to the point of crying, not because of any sexual or otherwise euphoric release, but because it feels cathartic and it helps them cry. Which probably isn’t too uncommon, but if someone were to inflict the same pain upon themselves (and let’s say they were careful about their limits and lasting damag), it would likely be considered concerning. Knife play fun, cutting bad.

It’s easy to spot the black and white cases of what’s safe and what isn’t, but sometimes the middle can get muddled… and likely better left to be determined by the individual.

The positive reinforcement thing could work if left to someone else. I get way too good at rationalizing why waiting for the reward is pointless, lol.

Love that * stop using subtext*!

Subtext hits differently day to day. Like what might seem coy or domineering (in a good way), may seem obtuse or bullying the next. Many people with ADHD struggle with Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD) and if it’s particularly nasty one day it can negativity color all interactions.

So what can also be helpful are reassurances to both top and bottom. “Yes, I love you and your authority, I’m just being a brat.” Or “No, you aren’t annoying me and I’m not actually upset/ disappointed, I’m just emphasizing my authority.”

To make sure I understand what you’re saying: You often do 24/7, but there are times when you want to switch up the dynamic. Such as going from a d/s type situation to a more balanced relationship, or from a relaxed d/s to maybe high protocol. The problem you’re having is communicating the changes in the dynamic.

Going off this understanding of what you said (let me know if I misunderstood), I would suggest something that makes it obvious that a shift in dynamic is happening / that you want it to occur. The most obvious is stating it like “hey I’m going into Dom mode” or something like that. Another thing could be a “code phrase”, like “seems like you need to be put in your place”, but I would suggest especially for your ADHD partner that the phrase doesn’t need to be exact each time, so long as it carries the same meaning or is “close enough”. Something else that I found useful is jewlery/ collars. I don’t generally wear jewelry so a necklace didn’t work for me, but I do occasionally wear bracelets and when my partner and I were up for the dynamic, but maybe I had to work she would have me wear a bracelet (like a day collar). I had two different bracelets one thicker than the other and when we were going to have a more intense day I would wear the thicker bracelet. However, if we were staying home she would ask if I wanted to wear my collar, which was a clear sign that the dynamic was starting. The tighter the collar the more intense or more likely we were to scene. (Obviously never too tight or uncomfortable).

These kinds of things helped show the shift as well as helped form a mindset that may be difficult when going from a relaxed non- dynamic to suddenly scene. It also helped make things clear so that we could both have better context understanding the other’s actions.

• Also I agree about the Au/DHD normalization. I just used neurospicy in the way I call myself Queer instead of going into the more detailed description of identity. My spicy is for sure ADHD, possibly ASD, but also cptsd, anxiety, chronic pain (which effects mood and such), and more. So I didn’t want to limit or suggest people with neurodivergencies outside of ADHD or ASD needed to justify stating their experiences.

Thanks for the thought out reply! Bringing in elements that I like is a good idea… have to think critically about that one for what can fit.

Making things routine… well that’s the hard part. I’m not good at getting into routines and sticking to them is also tricky.

When I’m overstimulated or migrainey my skin becomes sensitive to touch. So that when I am touched I have a burning sensation and oddly enough light touches are more painful than a normal touch. I often describe it as the same feeling from when I am running a fever that makes my skin burn and I get painful goosebumps all over. (The painful goosebumps happen with a migraine more than being overstimulated.)

Also I can’t stand repetitive touch, like when holding hands and the other person rubs their thumb back and forth over your hand. These repetitive motions quickly become painful and can often set off my whole body becoming too sensitive. Another weird touch thing is light touches on my back, this almost always causes my how body to start itching. It’s sooo annoying and something I have to constantly remind my partner about.

I’m bad at decisions so I will name a few that stuck with me:

1. In 5th grade I realize that lines are hypothetical and all that really exists are line segments. (My teacher basically said yes, but you’re confusing the class shut up.)
2. There are lies in all truths and truths in all lies. (A mantra I had).
3. The best way to get your way is to let someone else be the leader, act as the compromiser between the most disparate view points by saying you’re adding ideas of both sides, but actually give your positions and lipservice to the others, then finally make it all seem like this was literally everyone else’s idea and not yours. Ex. Working in a group project of 4 people to create a alternate energy model. A wants to make a wind turbine and it needs to be yellow. D wants solar panels made from copper. B just wants to do what’s easiest. So you suggest a crank powered flash light that uses copper wiring, because it captures A’s desire to have a kinetic energy conversion and using the copper wire shows D’s desire to prove the usefulness of copper in alternative energy designs. A and D didn’t say that’s why they wanted the designs, but by making the argument in a good light and attributing it to them it makes them much more likely to go along. I believe my 4th grade teacher saw what I was doing as she had us do a lot of group work because after a while she had me do my own thing.

The LGBTQ+ communities will be amazing!

I was in a terrible mental state for around 3 years and it has changed me the future is still difficult to think about, but I am starting to feel true happiness in the present.

In 2020 I was an attorney in a family law firm and was in a long term relationship. However, that year my health was failing, I was getting migraines that acted like strokes. My body would become so weak it was essentially paralyzed, I couldn’t think or speak, and the migraine hangover would last for most of the following day. Meaning that I would be terribly slow, in pain, and couldn’t speak without stuttering or forgetting words. It felt like I was constantly changing meds and going to the doctors to get some relief.

Well that long term relationship was also fraying and to be honest was abusive. I knew this, but I NEEDED to stay because there were 3 kids who I had poured my heart and soul in for the prior 6 years. I did anything to appease their mother. She however, was being worn down by my migraines as she would often have to stop what she was doing to drive me home from work.

In July of 2020 she broke up with me while we were in the process of buying a new house ( all in my name) that would be big enough for us and our polyamours family. I couldn’t get out of the sale. I was so tired and in pain and worried about losing the kids.

I was laid off from my job a week after moving into the house. I was promised by my ex that I would be able to see the kids and be a daily part of their lives. That lasted maybe 2 months before she decided they could no longer have any form of contact with me. Their dad let me see them about 4 more times for the next year before cutting me off completely. My son and I would play games online and talk to each other on discord for hours… till his mom found out and he was forced to befriend me on all platforms. The girls I would talk to on a mobile game, their father knew… but once I had my last visit they were forced to stop. I got maybe 2 more messages from one of my kids before I lost all contact.

I wanted to die. I had no plans, but if I could have died from lack of wanting to live… it would have happened. I cried a lot and slept even more. I eventually got a new wfh job, but it was and is mind-numbing. My body could no longer handle any stress without essentially going catatonic. I couldn’t move around as much and do all of the things I needed to do without it leading to pain and I was living in this huge house meant for my family, by myself.

I started dating my partner who I had broked up with in Feb of 2020 because both of our mental health was terrible and I couldn’t handle it. She helped me stay alive. I know I was not easy to deal with as a new symptom of the migraines became extreme mood swings. Prior to being hit I would get mean, just plain mean and angry. Then after the migraine I would swing into a deep depression.

Well I started to get a hold of the migraines. I switched from regular talk therapy to EMDR therapy. ( I have CPTS from childhood events) I started to feel ok, but then my insurance stopped paying for one migraine med and I needed to switch. This is where I got the closest to dieing from lack of wanting to live. Suddenly, I started to notice my background thoughts were constantly saying " I don’t want to live", I was irritable, and could rarely get myself to eat.

I messed up at my job and made it so that I didn’t get a new project for months, completely running through my reserves. I barely ate to the point that I was shaking all the time from fatigue and I was sleeping for 20 hrs straight. It took weeks, but I got my meds changed. Unfortunately it wasn’t in time to save my finances and I was quickly in the red.

However, this is where things began to look up. I made the decision to sell the house and move in with my partner. We had planned for them to move in with me the next year, but there was no way either of us would be up for taking care of the house even if I could float to that point.

I got the house sold within a few months which was great because I had already missed a few months of mortgage, didn’t pay my phone long enough for service to be cut and to lose the # when I was able to pay again, hadn’t paid utilities in months… really I couldn’t afford even the fee to change my address with the post office.

After a year of living with my partner, I feel so much better and almost “normal”. Thinking about the future still hurts, I miss my kids so much. I feel terrible about not trying all the ways to get in touch with them, while also wishing desperately that they forget about me so that they don’t miss me.

I’m still frustrated with my body, the fact I went through 7 years of higher education and I can’t physically handle litigating or another high stress environment that is the legal field. However, now it’s just frustration and no longer a deep-seated hate that consumes my mind.

Life kinda sucks enough on its own so let’s try not to compound it with our actions towards each other.