More of a ‘tell lemmy’ post, apologies for that; but, would love feedback and critique as always.
After many good years, and subsequently many many ‘meh’ years on the ‘R’ word, I have some suggestions after receiving a lot of messages.
- Remember “Set and Setting”
I borrowed this from the psychedelic community but it applies perfectly to a cold open on a sexually geared community. Imagine you are in a sex club or a strip club, an extremely sexually charged atmosphere - would you approach someone with, “Hello, how are you doing today?” or, “What are your favorite hobbies?” - no, no you would not. We are not on facebook/hinge here.
- Remember the concerns of the person you are messaging
If the person you are messaging obscures their face, they are obviously looking for an anonymous sexual outlet. If someone is worried about their friends/family/employer finding out about their sexy-time-shenanigans, then asking pointed questions such as, “Where are you right now?” or, “What city do you live in?” without a buildup of trust first is a turnoff at best and a red flag, time to bail at worst. We are adults and we have lives away from this forum which we do not (typically) want effected.
- Remember the person you are approaching chose this site
Was the post that attracted you to this person posted in a community or with a thread title related to seeking snapchat/telegram/whatever experiences? If not, messaging that person seeking to hop on video chat or any other site but this one is akin to saying, “hello,” to someone at a bar and immediately following it up with: “Let’s go back to my place.” It doesn’t work (unless you are paying for it, not for me but no judgments)
- Start from a position of trust
Opening a conversation with, “Is that really you?” or, “Who is taking these photos for you?” immediately implies your conversation partner is being dishonest. You are not a police officer (and even worse as someone cold messaging you are literally nobody) and the person you are pursuing is under no obligation to dispel your doubts about their authenticity.
Every community in which I participated on the ‘R’ word, I verified with - and after spending some time here and enjoying it, I will do the same for Lemmy; that being said, if you don’t see a verification post and you don’t trust someone, just don’t message them - you are wasting everyone’s time.
That’s it. Bitchy (hopefully not) rant over. Just thought I would give back to the community with a view from the other side of the mountain(s) and help to improve your game. 😘
As someone that has only been on R about a year and month or so here, what is the protocol to make contact. Do you just DM someone or do you ask in a post if you can DM? Ps: informative not bitchy and the mountain views are spectacular.
Ask to DM, or invite them to DM you.
Also, make sure you actually establish a rapport. A couple of comments back and forth in a sub is premature. If you see them commenting regularly on things, then engage there, over a period of time. Let them get a feel for you
Bear in mind that reddit is not usually a good place to find a partner. I say usually because I actually met my fiancée on reddit…
We’re very much the exception rather than the rule though
Good luck to you!
I’m not surprised, because well…I’ve seen you, but sorry you’re getting enough bullshit in your inbox to warrant making this post. That’s just unfortunate all around. I would generally agree with all of these except
Remember “Set and Setting”
I borrowed this from the psychedelic community but it applies perfectly to a cold open on a sexually geared community. Imagine you are in a sex club or a strip club, an extremely sexually charged atmosphere - would you approach someone with, “Hello, how are you doing today?” or, “What are your favorite hobbies?” - no, no you would not. We are not on facebook/hinge here.
Please don’t just send a sexually aggressive message without at least checking the temperature of the person you’re talking to. I don’t see it as poor form to say hello first to make sure that the person on the other side of the world is receptive at least. Everyone posts for different reasons and some people genuinely just want people to acknowledge that they are attractive and nothing further. If you just say “hey” though I’m going to ignore you.
Yeah totally agreed!! I would say opening with something over-the-top explicit is just as bad as opening as if we were in church! And fear not, this community is miles ahead of anywhere I’ve been, just wanted to put out the *vibes * I get and how to generally avoid the ick.
You can recover from being boring, but it’s hard to recover from coming off as a sexual pest with poor communication skills. The big takeaway really should be to find a nice middle ground. Don’t be boring and also please don’t be already aggressively masturbating when you send a first message.
I agree that this community is definitely a lot better in general than Reddit. I got a lot more “hey, how are you?” there but I think that’s because of the way the chat system was setup. I’m obviously not the hot commodity you are, but the people who do end up in my inbox have been generally good so far. I don’t dress as fetishy femme as I once did though.
I’m terrible at dirty chatting on Lemmy. I don’t really see what else I’m supposed to say to a hot girl other than some variation of “I think you’re hot and would like to have sex with you” lmao
That’s why I don’t do PMs. That, plus I’d just be another one of probably dozens of guys messaging said girl.
You’d be surprised how nice it is to type out the things on your mind to another receptive person while the horny is flowing. It’s honestly my favorite way to masturbate because it’s both slow and intense at the same time, but finding people who are compatible with you is tough. Let your inner smut writer free!
I agree with your last point though. I generally don’t message others, especially popular posters, because I really don’t want to burden their inbox more than it already is. Being overly respectful kind of sucks sometimes 🤷
I basically admitted some AI erp I was doing, and someone just DM’d me saying they thought it was great, and asked me for a sample of how I do it, and just went responded back.
That’s when I knew it was just “Oh boy, here we go” and started asking questions about preferences, and set my limits.
I agree!
Doing the gods’ work here. Though to your first point, in irl spaces do as the romans do. Some irl highly charged places have an assumption of “you’re here, we’re flirting, let’s fuck” others have an assumption of “let’s chat for a bit before we start propositioning”. Observing as others are doing can help you fit in and not get rejected right off the bat
I could not agree more!!
These are great tips/suggestions. There is nothing wrong with boundary setting, regardless of the platform and topic.
👍 👍 😘
Great post.
tyvm! 😁
ywvm!
